A Painful Decision

About a year ago, Kristofer and I sat on the back porch discussing whether to renew our foster care license.  In order to adopt out of the foster care system, we have to have a current license, and it has to be renewed every 2 years.  After a long discussion, we decided that we would try for one more year and that we would stop trying on my 40th birthday, July 11, 2012.  That is 3 months and one day away.  I know it sounds strange to set a date to stop trying to adopt, but I think it is our way of knowing when we are finished with the process.  I think if we didn't set a date, I would never give up.  But that bothers me...am I supposed to give up all hope on July 11th?  Is there some switch that I can turn off on July 11th that will take away my desire to be a mother to my own child?  You know, when I received the phone call from the office where we did in-vitro telling me that I was not pregnant and never would be, that was the end to that dream.  I know in my heart that I am not able to get pregnant, and I gave up on that dream years ago.  But how am I supposed to give up on the dream of adopting?  How am I supposed to accept that I will never be a mother to a child of my own? 

So why am I blogging about this tonight?  Kristofer and I revisited the conversation we had a year ago as he was grilling tonight.  Kristofer is 47 years old.  I'm close to 40.  Truth be told, Kristofer agreed to adoption because he knew that it was a dream of mine.  He has always said he felt too old to parent...but I think having Tori in our life for 6 months let him know he still was an amazing father.  But he wants an 'end' to this process...and I don't blame him, at least that is what I keep saying.  I told him tonight that I was scared of what my reaction would be if July 11th came and we didn't have a child. 

I feel like I kept it together after losing Tori.  I don't know how well I'll keep it together if I have to give up the lifelong dream of being a mama.  I think back to when I was younger and I knew I wanted 2 kids, a son and a daughter...I even had names picked out.  I also think back to when Tofer and I went through in-vitro and he told me he hoped we were having a boy so we could name it Hines Kristofer, after my daddy and after Tofer.  I think back to how much I loved being Tori's mama and how my heart aches as I think of her and how much I miss her.  I think one of the reasons I was able to keep it together when we lost Tori is because I still had hope that I would be a mama to someone.  But, as July grows closer and closer, I have to say, I'm scared.

Wedding....

This weekend Tofer and I attended the wedding of one of my very best friends.  This was the first wedding that Tofer and I have attended together.  (except for our own)  When Denise and Steve got engaged, Denise asked me if I would be her wedding coordinator.  I directed my cousin's wedding as well as a family friend's wedding a few years back, so I told her I'd be happy to do it.  Denise is a teacher and is very organized and knew exactly what she wanted.  (for the most part~she changed some things on me the night before the wedding!)  It was easy to put her wants on paper and then design her wedding ceremony.  It was a beautiful day and Denise and Steve were so happy! 

It was very touching to sit with my husband and hold his hand as 2 people we care for were pledging their love for each other.  The minister (who by the way was absolutely wonderful!) reminded Denise and Steve that people were going to watch them now that they are married.  He said they needed to be aware that people were going to listen to how they talked to each other and that people would watch how they treated each other.  That really hit hard.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I can't stand to disappoint those that I love and when I feel that I have, I get real defensive.  When I am defensive, I look a little lot witchy.  Witchy turns into 'having a tone in my voice' and giving Tofer what he calls "the look".  If anyone is watching us at this point, we have definitely not been good witnesses.  I don't believe that we should pretend that things are always perfect, but I do believe that sometimes I should wait to speak  raise my voice express my feelings at a time when maybe I am not feeling so defensive.  I still have so much to learn about marriage.  I am very blessed to be married to someone who has patience with me (most of the time) and is willing to let me learn what battles are worth fighting.

I'm back :)

I find it funny that in January I thought I could blog every day...boy, was I wrong.  I have missed it though.  I found some ideas for blogging/journaling on pinterest, so I am going to use those to give me ideas when I am struggling with what to write about.  But today, I have no loss for words...I know exactly what I need to say.  Three months ago today, Tori was given back to her biological father.  Although there are times when I still question, I have moved on as much as humanly possible and I try to laugh and smile when I think of her instead of cry.  There's a saying out there, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened".  Well, I don't always take that approach to things, but as far as Tori goes, that is exactly what I am trying to do...smile because it happened.  I know there is a reason that Tori was brought into our lives.  I also know there is a reason that we lost her...I just don't know what that reason is.  I have come to realize that it is not for me to know.  I am to trust the plan that God has for me and I know that sometimes it will not make sense, but it is not my job to try to make sense of it.  I have grown a lot the past 3 months.  One of my colleagues looked at me the other day and told me she admired me for how I have handled this whole situation.  She told me I could have laid in my bed and cried and mourned and no one would have blamed me.  You know, she's right!  I'm just thankful that I didn't choose that as my way to cope.  I am better because Tori was a part of my life. 

Leap of Faith

It has been a while since I blogged. So much has happened that has kept me from blogging, and I'll eventually write about it...but not now. What I do want to share is that Tofer and I took a leap of faith today. We made the decision to say yes to a profile of a baby that we received last night. Saying yes doesn't guarantee anything. We could be one of 100 couples that say yes to this baby, and we are fully prepared to deal with not being chosen, but I have to say it felt good to say yes. A few months ago I told people that I could never see myself being a mama to anyone but Tori, but I think my heart has changed some. We don't know a lot about the baby because he/she hasn't been born. The birth mother is 16 and her only request is that the people that adopt her baby are experienced with parenting and that there's other children in the house. They do not know the gender of the baby. The ultrasounds have shown great progress and there are no concerns. So what happens now? All of the interested families have profiles sent over to the person handling the case. (this is straight adoption~NO social workers involved!!!!) There's a committee that will look through the family profiles and then will choose a few families to interview and then they'll make a final choice. The profiles have been asked to be in by March 1st and they will meet either March 3rd or 5th. The baby is due April 15th, so the decision will have to be made pretty soon. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just glad we said yes. We are praying for God's will and appreciate prayers.

Suffering

Today at church, Pastor Susan's sermon was on suffering.  She preached a very touching message and I was extremely 'moved' by her words.  2 months ago today, our sweet Tori was taken from us...I think I was definitely suffering today but was reminded that although I may suffer, I still need to trust God.  My mama sent me an email that was sent to her by another friend...I think it says it all...

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Hmmm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

Wine and Design

Last night, I went to Wine and Design with some of the ladies from my church.  I was excited to go, but being the artistically challenged person that I am, was anxious about what was in store.  I don't see myself as an artistic person.  I am creative when it comes to some things, but there is not an artistic bone in my body; even my stick people are scary.  I sat in the back (first mistake) and when the artist started giving direction, I immediately fell behind and then got even more anxious.  At one point she told us not to think about what we were doing.  Seriously, me? Not think?  Um....that's impossible.  Kristofer says I analyze everything, and I do.  So later when she tells us to 'use our energy to add to our painting', I wanted to raise my hand and ask her what color my energy was and which size brush I needed to use to show said energy.  There was an assistant there that helped people when they needed help...I think I monopolized her time.  I said on more than one occasion that I could now relate to my students who have learning challenges after having this experience...and I was not being funny or insulting, I REALLY felt challenged (and not in a good way) while painting.  However, with a little relaxing (and no, it wasn't from the wine...I didn't have time to drink...I was too busy looking for my energy!), and encouragement from my untruthful friends, I began to loosen up and enjoy the experience.  When I brought it home to my family, I immediately felt a little bit of accomplishment as they told me how good it was.  (not sure if they were lying or not...and I didn't bother to ask)  I might just do it again...but I think next time, I'll sit up front, research brush strokes and blending prior to going, and see if by chance, they offer a paint by number option.  :)  I decided to include my masterpiece below. 



What if...

I was at the Cooks for Books on Tuesday night with my mama.  As we were chatting with friends, someone brought up how much we have to be thankful for...as well as how much we take for granted.  I've seen several interpretations of this saying, but it goes something like, "How much would you have if you only had today what you thanked God for yesterday?"  This really makes me think.  I mean, thanking him for family is a given.  But do I thank him for the 'little' things like hot water, soft pillows, a razor, an in the door ice maker and water dispenser?  What would I have if I was only given what I expressed thanksgiving for?  Kinda makes me think...also kinda puts me in my place....I am so very blessed...Thank you God for my many blessings.