Kristofer and I have our interview for Angel in about 14 hours. This interview represents many things. Kristofer and I have mutually decided to stop receiving profiles after this one. We have informed our social worker that after July 15th, we are done. It sounds so negative, but I think the best way to explain it is we need to have closure at some point, and over a year ago, we agreed to stop pursuing adoption once I turned 40 (which will be on July 11th).
About a month ago, Tori's dad texted me and told me his mother had Tori's pictures made that day and he wanted to send us one once they got them back. I mentioned to him that I had pictures of Tori from the months she was with us and told him I'd be happy to mail him some. Last night, I went through my "Tori boxes" and carefully chose pictures of her. I'm not going to lie, it was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. I mailed those pictures today, and when I did, I felt like I let go a little more. I am ready to have a fresh start. I know I'll never forget her, but I need a new beginning, and if it happens to be a new beginning with Angel, I'm ready.
I am anxious. I'm not worried about the interview. I'm worried that we won't be chosen. I'm worried that my dream of being a mama will be shattered...
I have faith and I do trust in God's perfect plan for my life; I think that is what is getting me through.
We'll interview tomorrow morning, and from what we understand, we should know something in a week. We have no idea who else is going to be interviewed (and don't really care to know) or when they are being interviewed. There is no prep for the interview...we've just been told to be ourselves. (and those of you that know Tofer, know that can be scary!) :) Tofer has said all along, "If people can meet us, they'll want to choose us." I hope that's true...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Got Ink??
I want a tattoo. A small ladybug on my foot. I want to be able to 'hide' it under the 'flip flop strap.' I have always said I wanted to get a tattoo, but never really put any thought into it...until recently. I am turning 40 in 2 months and 3 days and I think I am going to celebrate that day by getting a tattoo. I know, it will be permanent...what if I don't like it? What if it hurts? (I'm sure it will) What does the bible say about tattoos? I've asked myself all these questions and I am still not 100% sure I'm going to go ahead and go through with it. What do you think? Don't hold back...I want some honest opinions. See below for an example of what I think I want.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
One door closes...
Well, I feel like the adoption chapter in my 'Tori book' is closed. I don't think the whole book is closed, and I'm thankful for that...but I truly believe the possibility of adoption is gone. I believe that Kristofer and I will be a part of Tori's life, but to what extent? Only time will tell.
Tori's dad called last Thursday night and we talked for a while just catching up. He said he's turned his life around and that she is his everything. He shared things that they do together, her favorite foods, and other details about her. She got on the phone with me and when I said 'Hey Tori', I'm about 90% sure she said 'ma ma ma.' I'm not going to lie, that stung a little, but she sounded happy and I have to believe that her father really has changed. I told him never to hesitate to call us if he needed anything and that we'd love to keep in contact, but that we'd leave that up to him. We'll see what happens. For now, I'm just glad that she seems to be okay. She was not a foster child to me, she was my baby, and I provided for her and made her top priority when her bio parents couldn't. Now it is time for me to trust that her father will do what is right and that she will be loved as she deserves. He has sent me several text messages since our conversation Thursday night. He has sent several pictures of her. She is as precious as always.
Tori's dad called last Thursday night and we talked for a while just catching up. He said he's turned his life around and that she is his everything. He shared things that they do together, her favorite foods, and other details about her. She got on the phone with me and when I said 'Hey Tori', I'm about 90% sure she said 'ma ma ma.' I'm not going to lie, that stung a little, but she sounded happy and I have to believe that her father really has changed. I told him never to hesitate to call us if he needed anything and that we'd love to keep in contact, but that we'd leave that up to him. We'll see what happens. For now, I'm just glad that she seems to be okay. She was not a foster child to me, she was my baby, and I provided for her and made her top priority when her bio parents couldn't. Now it is time for me to trust that her father will do what is right and that she will be loved as she deserves. He has sent me several text messages since our conversation Thursday night. He has sent several pictures of her. She is as precious as always.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
An unexpected phone call
I have to preface this blog with a statement.... So, you know we wrote a letter to Tori's bio dad a few weeks back. We decided we would mail it this week...but we have not mailed it yet.
Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from Tori's bio dad. I was in the other room and did not hear my phone ring, but he left a message. In his message, he said he wanted to see how we were doing and wanted to let us know that 'the baby' was doing good. We could hear her in the background and she was squealing. He had her get on the phone and say hey to us. He asked us to call back so we did. When we called back, it was bath time and we told him to call us when he had time. He said he would call us later...well, we never heard back last night, but we are encouraged that he called in the first place. We pray that he will reach out to us again. Hearing her did not make me miss her, in fact, it was nice to hear her sounding happy.
Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from Tori's bio dad. I was in the other room and did not hear my phone ring, but he left a message. In his message, he said he wanted to see how we were doing and wanted to let us know that 'the baby' was doing good. We could hear her in the background and she was squealing. He had her get on the phone and say hey to us. He asked us to call back so we did. When we called back, it was bath time and we told him to call us when he had time. He said he would call us later...well, we never heard back last night, but we are encouraged that he called in the first place. We pray that he will reach out to us again. Hearing her did not make me miss her, in fact, it was nice to hear her sounding happy.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
For about a month now (maybe even longer) I feel like it has been laid on my heart to write a letter to Tori's biological father...so I did. The letter is from Kristofer and me, and it is just a short letter to make sure he knows we don't wish him any harm, no matter what he was told by any of the other agencies that stuck their nose were involved in Tori's case. We heard that the GAL told him some negative stuff about us, and I felt like we needed to 'clear the air.' We also told him in the letter that we would not contact him again without his permission and that he was welcome to contact us if he wanted to. I feel like this has provided me with the closure, even though I haven't mailed the letter yet.
I wrote the letter about 3 weeks ago, waited a week to share it with Kristofer, and then asked him to pray about it and let me know if he thought we should mail it or not. We talked yesterday and decided that we would mail it and then see what happens. We have NO idea how Tori's bio father is going to feel about it, so we're kind of bracing ourselves for anything. We were never told that we couldn't contact him, in fact, he told us to call anytime...but that was before the GAL (allegedly) got involved. So....I'm going to mail it this week and pray that it is received in a positive manner. I don't have any expectations at all...and I think that's a good thing.
I also wrote a letter to a man who I spoke with about our concerns regarding the GAL office that was supposed to handle Tori's case. This letter is just a follow up from the conversation I had with him in December. Our main concern is that the GAL office did not follow what they were supposed to do, which resulted in Tori not being represented effectively. I know we can never change the past, but hopefully our concerns will cause people to watch this office more closely.
If you feel led, please pray that our letters are received with the same positivity in which they were written. I'll update you if there is anything to share. :)
I wrote the letter about 3 weeks ago, waited a week to share it with Kristofer, and then asked him to pray about it and let me know if he thought we should mail it or not. We talked yesterday and decided that we would mail it and then see what happens. We have NO idea how Tori's bio father is going to feel about it, so we're kind of bracing ourselves for anything. We were never told that we couldn't contact him, in fact, he told us to call anytime...but that was before the GAL (allegedly) got involved. So....I'm going to mail it this week and pray that it is received in a positive manner. I don't have any expectations at all...and I think that's a good thing.
I also wrote a letter to a man who I spoke with about our concerns regarding the GAL office that was supposed to handle Tori's case. This letter is just a follow up from the conversation I had with him in December. Our main concern is that the GAL office did not follow what they were supposed to do, which resulted in Tori not being represented effectively. I know we can never change the past, but hopefully our concerns will cause people to watch this office more closely.
If you feel led, please pray that our letters are received with the same positivity in which they were written. I'll update you if there is anything to share. :)
Friday, April 13, 2012
Getting some Closure
Those who have known me a while know that I call myself the 'Closure Queen.' I like for things to FEEL finished, I like to say my peace, I don't like to leave things unsaid, and I think that when there are no loose ends, I cope better. This drives my husband crazy. He says that I view arguments as a sit com...that I want everything happy after 30 minutes. :)
This week is my last week of track out. I didn't necessarily plan it, but it has also been a week of closure. My church is having a consignment sale next month, and that prompted me to get rid of clothes, toys, etc... that we had for Tori. I have a friend who came and picked up the items this morning and she is going to go through them, price them, and make sure they get set up at the consignment sale. It was such a relief for me to not have to go through all the things Tori used when she was here. Getting all the things together for my friend to pick up motivated me to get the items together that people let us borrow and after tomorrow, all those items will be returned.
I also sat down and wrote a letter to Tori's biological father. I am not sure when I will mail it, but it felt good to write to him. Because I feel Kristofer and I were misrepresented by the GAL office, I felt I needed to clear the air with Tori's father. I also want him to know that we care and that we are here if he needs anything and especially if Tori needs anything.
Yesterday I sat down and wrote to a gentleman that I spoke with who works for the state of NC and oversees the court programs, including Guardian Ad Litem. I spoke with him by phone the week that Tori was taken from us. When I spoke with him, he seemed interested in our concerns with the GAL office that covers Greene County. Since I spoke with him in December, there have been many other concerns that have come up and I decided that it was my responsibility to follow up with him and let him know the other things we found out. I know I am only one person, but I can be a squeaky wheel and if there is a small chance sharing our experience will open some eyes and make a difference in the way that the GAL office handles cases, it is worth it. What they did was horrible. That is it.
This week is my last week of track out. I didn't necessarily plan it, but it has also been a week of closure. My church is having a consignment sale next month, and that prompted me to get rid of clothes, toys, etc... that we had for Tori. I have a friend who came and picked up the items this morning and she is going to go through them, price them, and make sure they get set up at the consignment sale. It was such a relief for me to not have to go through all the things Tori used when she was here. Getting all the things together for my friend to pick up motivated me to get the items together that people let us borrow and after tomorrow, all those items will be returned.
I also sat down and wrote a letter to Tori's biological father. I am not sure when I will mail it, but it felt good to write to him. Because I feel Kristofer and I were misrepresented by the GAL office, I felt I needed to clear the air with Tori's father. I also want him to know that we care and that we are here if he needs anything and especially if Tori needs anything.
Yesterday I sat down and wrote to a gentleman that I spoke with who works for the state of NC and oversees the court programs, including Guardian Ad Litem. I spoke with him by phone the week that Tori was taken from us. When I spoke with him, he seemed interested in our concerns with the GAL office that covers Greene County. Since I spoke with him in December, there have been many other concerns that have come up and I decided that it was my responsibility to follow up with him and let him know the other things we found out. I know I am only one person, but I can be a squeaky wheel and if there is a small chance sharing our experience will open some eyes and make a difference in the way that the GAL office handles cases, it is worth it. What they did was horrible. That is it.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
A Special Name
It always amazes me how much difference a day can make. Last night, I blogged about the fact that after July 11th this year, Tofer and I would no longer accept adoption profiles. As I typed my thoughts, I was not at peace, in fact, I was quite scared. One of the things I blogged about was the name I had chosen for my daughter when I was younger. What I did not share, for reasons I'd rather not explain, was what I wanted to name my son. Now, I feel I need to share it. Prior to meeting Kristofer, I always thought I'd name my son after my grandfather, Joseph Carlton Ford, who was called JC. I wanted to honor his memory in some way, and felt that when I had a son, his name would contain the name Joseph, Carlton, or both. Bear with me, this will all make sense in a few...
So, this morning, I woke up and checked my email. Our social worker, Renee, had emailed us 2 profiles for 2 children. Both were boys. One was 9 years old, the other is 5 years old....his name? JC
I don't think this was a coincidence. I also am not saying that this is a sign that this child is going to be our child. What I do believe is this is God's way of reminding me He is still very active in my hopes and dreams. I also think He is reminding me that no matter what happens, He is in control.
After discussing JC's profile, Kristofer and I decided that we wanted to have our family profile submitted for consideration for JC. We'll see what will happen. Thankfully, I know who is in control.
So, this morning, I woke up and checked my email. Our social worker, Renee, had emailed us 2 profiles for 2 children. Both were boys. One was 9 years old, the other is 5 years old....his name? JC
I don't think this was a coincidence. I also am not saying that this is a sign that this child is going to be our child. What I do believe is this is God's way of reminding me He is still very active in my hopes and dreams. I also think He is reminding me that no matter what happens, He is in control.
After discussing JC's profile, Kristofer and I decided that we wanted to have our family profile submitted for consideration for JC. We'll see what will happen. Thankfully, I know who is in control.
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