Decisions, Decisions

For about a month now (maybe even longer) I feel like it has been laid on my heart to write a letter to Tori's biological father...so I did.  The letter is from Kristofer and me, and it is just a short letter to make sure he knows we don't wish him any harm, no matter what he was told by any of the other agencies that stuck their nose were involved in Tori's case.  We heard that the GAL told him some negative stuff about us, and I felt like we needed to 'clear the air.'  We also told him in the letter that we would not contact him again without his permission and that he was welcome to contact us if he wanted to.  I feel like this has provided me with the closure, even though I haven't mailed the letter yet.

I wrote the letter about 3 weeks ago, waited a week to share it with Kristofer, and then asked him to pray about it and let me know if he thought we should mail it or not.  We talked yesterday and decided that we would mail it and then see what happens.  We have NO idea how Tori's bio father is going to feel about it, so we're kind of bracing ourselves for anything.  We were never told that we couldn't contact him, in fact, he told us to call anytime...but that was before the GAL (allegedly) got involved.  So....I'm going to mail it this week and pray that it is received in a positive manner.  I don't have any expectations at all...and I think that's a good thing.

I also wrote a letter to a man who I spoke with about our concerns regarding the GAL office that was supposed to handle Tori's case.  This letter is just a follow up from the conversation I had with him in December.  Our main concern is that the GAL office did not follow what they were supposed to do, which resulted in Tori not being represented effectively.  I know we can never change the past, but hopefully our concerns will cause people to watch this office more closely. 

If you feel led, please pray that our letters are received with the same positivity in which they were written.  I'll update you if there is anything to share.  :) 

Getting some Closure

Those who have known me a while know that I call myself the 'Closure Queen.'  I like for things to FEEL finished, I like to say my peace, I don't like to leave things unsaid, and I think that when there are no loose ends, I cope better.  This drives my husband crazy.  He says that I view arguments as a sit com...that I want everything happy after 30 minutes.  :) 

This week is my last week of track out.  I didn't necessarily plan it, but it has also been a week of closure.  My church is having a consignment sale next month, and that prompted me to get rid of clothes, toys, etc... that we had for Tori.  I have a friend who came and picked up the items this morning and she is going to go through them, price them, and make sure they get set up at the consignment sale.  It was such a relief for me to not have to go through all the things Tori used when she was here.  Getting all the things together for my friend to pick up motivated me to get the items together that people let us borrow and after tomorrow, all those items will be returned. 

I also sat down and wrote a letter to Tori's biological father.  I am not sure when I will mail it, but it felt good to write to him.  Because I feel Kristofer and I were misrepresented by the GAL office, I felt I needed to clear the air with Tori's father.  I also want him to know that we care and that we are here if he needs anything and especially if Tori needs anything.

Yesterday I sat down and wrote to a gentleman that I spoke with who works for the state of NC and oversees the court programs, including Guardian Ad Litem.  I spoke with him by phone the week that Tori was taken from us.  When I spoke with him, he seemed interested in our concerns with the GAL office that covers Greene County.  Since I spoke with him in December, there have been many other concerns that have come up and I decided that it was my responsibility to follow up with him and let him know the other things we found out.  I know I am only one person, but I can be a squeaky wheel and if there is a small chance sharing our experience will open some eyes and make a difference in the way that the GAL office handles cases, it is worth it.  What they did was horrible.  That is it. 

A Special Name

It always amazes me how much difference a day can make.  Last night, I blogged about the fact that after July 11th this year, Tofer and I would no longer accept adoption profiles.  As I typed my thoughts, I was not at peace, in fact, I was quite scared.  One of the things I blogged about was the name I had chosen for my daughter when I was younger.  What I did not share, for reasons I'd rather not explain, was what I wanted to name my son.  Now, I feel I need to share it.  Prior to meeting Kristofer, I always thought I'd name my son after my grandfather, Joseph Carlton Ford, who was called JC.  I wanted to honor his memory in some way, and felt that when I had a son, his name would contain the name Joseph, Carlton, or both.  Bear with me, this will all make sense in a few...

So, this morning, I woke up and checked my email.  Our social worker, Renee, had emailed us 2 profiles for 2 children.  Both were boys.  One was 9 years old, the other is 5 years old....his name?  JC

I don't think this was a coincidence.  I also am not saying that this is a sign that this child is going to be our child.  What I do believe is this is God's way of reminding me He is still very active in my hopes and dreams.  I also think He is reminding me that no matter what happens, He is in control. 

After discussing JC's profile, Kristofer and I decided that we wanted to have our family profile submitted for consideration for JC.  We'll see what will happen.  Thankfully, I know who is in control. 

A Painful Decision

About a year ago, Kristofer and I sat on the back porch discussing whether to renew our foster care license.  In order to adopt out of the foster care system, we have to have a current license, and it has to be renewed every 2 years.  After a long discussion, we decided that we would try for one more year and that we would stop trying on my 40th birthday, July 11, 2012.  That is 3 months and one day away.  I know it sounds strange to set a date to stop trying to adopt, but I think it is our way of knowing when we are finished with the process.  I think if we didn't set a date, I would never give up.  But that bothers me...am I supposed to give up all hope on July 11th?  Is there some switch that I can turn off on July 11th that will take away my desire to be a mother to my own child?  You know, when I received the phone call from the office where we did in-vitro telling me that I was not pregnant and never would be, that was the end to that dream.  I know in my heart that I am not able to get pregnant, and I gave up on that dream years ago.  But how am I supposed to give up on the dream of adopting?  How am I supposed to accept that I will never be a mother to a child of my own? 

So why am I blogging about this tonight?  Kristofer and I revisited the conversation we had a year ago as he was grilling tonight.  Kristofer is 47 years old.  I'm close to 40.  Truth be told, Kristofer agreed to adoption because he knew that it was a dream of mine.  He has always said he felt too old to parent...but I think having Tori in our life for 6 months let him know he still was an amazing father.  But he wants an 'end' to this process...and I don't blame him, at least that is what I keep saying.  I told him tonight that I was scared of what my reaction would be if July 11th came and we didn't have a child. 

I feel like I kept it together after losing Tori.  I don't know how well I'll keep it together if I have to give up the lifelong dream of being a mama.  I think back to when I was younger and I knew I wanted 2 kids, a son and a daughter...I even had names picked out.  I also think back to when Tofer and I went through in-vitro and he told me he hoped we were having a boy so we could name it Hines Kristofer, after my daddy and after Tofer.  I think back to how much I loved being Tori's mama and how my heart aches as I think of her and how much I miss her.  I think one of the reasons I was able to keep it together when we lost Tori is because I still had hope that I would be a mama to someone.  But, as July grows closer and closer, I have to say, I'm scared.