About a year ago, Kristofer and I sat on the back porch discussing whether to renew our foster care license. In order to adopt out of the foster care system, we have to have a current license, and it has to be renewed every 2 years. After a long discussion, we decided that we would try for one more year and that we would stop trying on my 40th birthday, July 11, 2012. That is 3 months and one day away. I know it sounds strange to set a date to stop trying to adopt, but I think it is our way of knowing when we are finished with the process. I think if we didn't set a date, I would never give up. But that bothers me...am I supposed to give up all hope on July 11th? Is there some switch that I can turn off on July 11th that will take away my desire to be a mother to my own child? You know, when I received the phone call from the office where we did in-vitro telling me that I was not pregnant and never would be, that was the end to that dream. I know in my heart that I am not able to get pregnant, and I gave up on that dream years ago. But how am I supposed to give up on the dream of adopting? How am I supposed to accept that I will never be a mother to a child of my own?
So why am I blogging about this tonight? Kristofer and I revisited the conversation we had a year ago as he was grilling tonight. Kristofer is 47 years old. I'm close to 40. Truth be told, Kristofer agreed to adoption because he knew that it was a dream of mine. He has always said he felt too old to parent...but I think having Tori in our life for 6 months let him know he still was an amazing father. But he wants an 'end' to this process...and I don't blame him, at least that is what I keep saying. I told him tonight that I was scared of what my reaction would be if July 11th came and we didn't have a child.
I feel like I kept it together after losing Tori. I don't know how well I'll keep it together if I have to give up the lifelong dream of being a mama. I think back to when I was younger and I knew I wanted 2 kids, a son and a daughter...I even had names picked out. I also think back to when Tofer and I went through in-vitro and he told me he hoped we were having a boy so we could name it Hines Kristofer, after my daddy and after Tofer. I think back to how much I loved being Tori's mama and how my heart aches as I think of her and how much I miss her. I think one of the reasons I was able to keep it together when we lost Tori is because I still had hope that I would be a mama to someone. But, as July grows closer and closer, I have to say, I'm scared.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
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1 comments:
Missi, I don't think it's as much about "giving up" as it is about moving on with the life that you have. Yes, I can imagine that it is terribly difficult to think about putting aside that deep desire to mother your own child, but could it be possible that God has something else in mind for you? Could it be that His intent is for you to continue doing just what you've been doing for the past three years.......being a superb mom to Ana and Will, showing them how to grow up into loving, God-fearing, productive adults....giving them your unconditional love and support and molding them into the remarkable adults they are sure to become. Maybe this IS your calling.
At any rate, my heart goes out to both of you as you face difficult decisions in the months ahead. Know that you are in our thoughts, minds, and prayers and that we love you both!
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