A New Beginning

Kristofer and I have our interview for Angel in about 14 hours.  This interview represents many things.  Kristofer and I have mutually decided to stop receiving profiles after this one.  We have informed our social worker that after July 15th, we are done.  It sounds so negative, but I think the best way to explain it is we need to have closure at some point, and over a year ago, we agreed to stop pursuing adoption once I turned 40 (which will be on July 11th). 

About a month ago, Tori's dad texted me and told me his mother had Tori's pictures made that day and he wanted to send us one once they got them back.  I mentioned to him that I had pictures of Tori from the months she was with us and told him I'd be happy to mail him some.  Last night, I went through my "Tori boxes" and carefully chose pictures of her.  I'm not going to lie, it was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be.  I mailed those pictures today, and when I did, I felt like I let go a little more.  I am ready to have a fresh start.  I know I'll never forget her, but I need a new beginning, and if it happens to be a new beginning with Angel, I'm ready.

I am anxious.  I'm not worried about the interview.  I'm worried that we won't be chosen.  I'm worried that my dream of being a mama will be shattered...

I have faith and I do trust in God's perfect plan for my life; I think that is what is getting me through.

We'll interview tomorrow morning, and from what we understand, we should know something in a week.  We have no idea who else is going to be interviewed (and don't really care to know) or when they are being interviewed.  There is no prep for the interview...we've just been told to be ourselves.  (and those of you that know Tofer, know that can be scary!)  :)  Tofer has said all along,  "If people can meet us, they'll want to choose us."  I hope that's true...

Got Ink??

I want a tattoo.  A small ladybug on my foot.  I want to be able to 'hide' it under the 'flip flop strap.'  I have always said I wanted to get a tattoo, but never really put any thought into it...until recently.  I am turning 40 in 2 months and 3 days and I think I am going to celebrate that day by getting a tattoo.  I know, it will be permanent...what if I don't like it?  What if it hurts?  (I'm sure it will)  What does the bible say about tattoos?  I've asked myself all these questions and I am still not 100% sure I'm going to go ahead and go through with it.  What do you think?  Don't hold back...I want some honest opinions.  See below for an example of what I think I want.

One door closes...

Well, I feel like the adoption chapter in my 'Tori book' is closed. I don't think the whole book is closed, and I'm thankful for that...but I truly believe the possibility of adoption is gone. I believe that Kristofer and I will be a part of Tori's life, but to what extent? Only time will tell.


Tori's dad called last Thursday night and we talked for a while just catching up. He said he's turned his life around and that she is his everything. He shared things that they do together, her favorite foods, and other details about her. She got on the phone with me and when I said 'Hey Tori', I'm about 90% sure she said 'ma ma ma.' I'm not going to lie, that stung a little, but she sounded happy and I have to believe that her father really has changed. I told him never to hesitate to call us if he needed anything and that we'd love to keep in contact, but that we'd leave that up to him. We'll see what happens. For now, I'm just glad that she seems to be okay. She was not a foster child to me, she was my baby, and I provided for her and made her top priority when her bio parents couldn't. Now it is time for me to trust that her father will do what is right and that she will be loved as she deserves.  He has sent me several text messages since our conversation Thursday night.  He has sent several pictures of her.  She is as precious as always. 

An unexpected phone call

I have to preface this blog with a statement....  So, you know we wrote a letter to Tori's bio dad a few weeks back.  We decided we would mail it this week...but we have not mailed it yet. 

Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from Tori's bio dad.  I was in the other room and did not hear my phone ring, but he left a message.  In his message, he said he wanted to see how we were doing and wanted to let us know that 'the baby' was doing good.  We could hear her in the background and she was squealing.  He had her get on the phone and say hey to us.  He asked us to call back so we did.  When we called back, it was bath time and we told him to call us when he had time.  He said he would call us later...well, we never heard back last night, but we are encouraged that he called in the first place.  We pray that he will reach out to us again.  Hearing her did not make me miss her, in fact, it was nice to hear her sounding happy. 

Decisions, Decisions

For about a month now (maybe even longer) I feel like it has been laid on my heart to write a letter to Tori's biological father...so I did.  The letter is from Kristofer and me, and it is just a short letter to make sure he knows we don't wish him any harm, no matter what he was told by any of the other agencies that stuck their nose were involved in Tori's case.  We heard that the GAL told him some negative stuff about us, and I felt like we needed to 'clear the air.'  We also told him in the letter that we would not contact him again without his permission and that he was welcome to contact us if he wanted to.  I feel like this has provided me with the closure, even though I haven't mailed the letter yet.

I wrote the letter about 3 weeks ago, waited a week to share it with Kristofer, and then asked him to pray about it and let me know if he thought we should mail it or not.  We talked yesterday and decided that we would mail it and then see what happens.  We have NO idea how Tori's bio father is going to feel about it, so we're kind of bracing ourselves for anything.  We were never told that we couldn't contact him, in fact, he told us to call anytime...but that was before the GAL (allegedly) got involved.  So....I'm going to mail it this week and pray that it is received in a positive manner.  I don't have any expectations at all...and I think that's a good thing.

I also wrote a letter to a man who I spoke with about our concerns regarding the GAL office that was supposed to handle Tori's case.  This letter is just a follow up from the conversation I had with him in December.  Our main concern is that the GAL office did not follow what they were supposed to do, which resulted in Tori not being represented effectively.  I know we can never change the past, but hopefully our concerns will cause people to watch this office more closely. 

If you feel led, please pray that our letters are received with the same positivity in which they were written.  I'll update you if there is anything to share.  :) 

Getting some Closure

Those who have known me a while know that I call myself the 'Closure Queen.'  I like for things to FEEL finished, I like to say my peace, I don't like to leave things unsaid, and I think that when there are no loose ends, I cope better.  This drives my husband crazy.  He says that I view arguments as a sit com...that I want everything happy after 30 minutes.  :) 

This week is my last week of track out.  I didn't necessarily plan it, but it has also been a week of closure.  My church is having a consignment sale next month, and that prompted me to get rid of clothes, toys, etc... that we had for Tori.  I have a friend who came and picked up the items this morning and she is going to go through them, price them, and make sure they get set up at the consignment sale.  It was such a relief for me to not have to go through all the things Tori used when she was here.  Getting all the things together for my friend to pick up motivated me to get the items together that people let us borrow and after tomorrow, all those items will be returned. 

I also sat down and wrote a letter to Tori's biological father.  I am not sure when I will mail it, but it felt good to write to him.  Because I feel Kristofer and I were misrepresented by the GAL office, I felt I needed to clear the air with Tori's father.  I also want him to know that we care and that we are here if he needs anything and especially if Tori needs anything.

Yesterday I sat down and wrote to a gentleman that I spoke with who works for the state of NC and oversees the court programs, including Guardian Ad Litem.  I spoke with him by phone the week that Tori was taken from us.  When I spoke with him, he seemed interested in our concerns with the GAL office that covers Greene County.  Since I spoke with him in December, there have been many other concerns that have come up and I decided that it was my responsibility to follow up with him and let him know the other things we found out.  I know I am only one person, but I can be a squeaky wheel and if there is a small chance sharing our experience will open some eyes and make a difference in the way that the GAL office handles cases, it is worth it.  What they did was horrible.  That is it. 

A Special Name

It always amazes me how much difference a day can make.  Last night, I blogged about the fact that after July 11th this year, Tofer and I would no longer accept adoption profiles.  As I typed my thoughts, I was not at peace, in fact, I was quite scared.  One of the things I blogged about was the name I had chosen for my daughter when I was younger.  What I did not share, for reasons I'd rather not explain, was what I wanted to name my son.  Now, I feel I need to share it.  Prior to meeting Kristofer, I always thought I'd name my son after my grandfather, Joseph Carlton Ford, who was called JC.  I wanted to honor his memory in some way, and felt that when I had a son, his name would contain the name Joseph, Carlton, or both.  Bear with me, this will all make sense in a few...

So, this morning, I woke up and checked my email.  Our social worker, Renee, had emailed us 2 profiles for 2 children.  Both were boys.  One was 9 years old, the other is 5 years old....his name?  JC

I don't think this was a coincidence.  I also am not saying that this is a sign that this child is going to be our child.  What I do believe is this is God's way of reminding me He is still very active in my hopes and dreams.  I also think He is reminding me that no matter what happens, He is in control. 

After discussing JC's profile, Kristofer and I decided that we wanted to have our family profile submitted for consideration for JC.  We'll see what will happen.  Thankfully, I know who is in control. 

A Painful Decision

About a year ago, Kristofer and I sat on the back porch discussing whether to renew our foster care license.  In order to adopt out of the foster care system, we have to have a current license, and it has to be renewed every 2 years.  After a long discussion, we decided that we would try for one more year and that we would stop trying on my 40th birthday, July 11, 2012.  That is 3 months and one day away.  I know it sounds strange to set a date to stop trying to adopt, but I think it is our way of knowing when we are finished with the process.  I think if we didn't set a date, I would never give up.  But that bothers me...am I supposed to give up all hope on July 11th?  Is there some switch that I can turn off on July 11th that will take away my desire to be a mother to my own child?  You know, when I received the phone call from the office where we did in-vitro telling me that I was not pregnant and never would be, that was the end to that dream.  I know in my heart that I am not able to get pregnant, and I gave up on that dream years ago.  But how am I supposed to give up on the dream of adopting?  How am I supposed to accept that I will never be a mother to a child of my own? 

So why am I blogging about this tonight?  Kristofer and I revisited the conversation we had a year ago as he was grilling tonight.  Kristofer is 47 years old.  I'm close to 40.  Truth be told, Kristofer agreed to adoption because he knew that it was a dream of mine.  He has always said he felt too old to parent...but I think having Tori in our life for 6 months let him know he still was an amazing father.  But he wants an 'end' to this process...and I don't blame him, at least that is what I keep saying.  I told him tonight that I was scared of what my reaction would be if July 11th came and we didn't have a child. 

I feel like I kept it together after losing Tori.  I don't know how well I'll keep it together if I have to give up the lifelong dream of being a mama.  I think back to when I was younger and I knew I wanted 2 kids, a son and a daughter...I even had names picked out.  I also think back to when Tofer and I went through in-vitro and he told me he hoped we were having a boy so we could name it Hines Kristofer, after my daddy and after Tofer.  I think back to how much I loved being Tori's mama and how my heart aches as I think of her and how much I miss her.  I think one of the reasons I was able to keep it together when we lost Tori is because I still had hope that I would be a mama to someone.  But, as July grows closer and closer, I have to say, I'm scared.

Wedding....

This weekend Tofer and I attended the wedding of one of my very best friends.  This was the first wedding that Tofer and I have attended together.  (except for our own)  When Denise and Steve got engaged, Denise asked me if I would be her wedding coordinator.  I directed my cousin's wedding as well as a family friend's wedding a few years back, so I told her I'd be happy to do it.  Denise is a teacher and is very organized and knew exactly what she wanted.  (for the most part~she changed some things on me the night before the wedding!)  It was easy to put her wants on paper and then design her wedding ceremony.  It was a beautiful day and Denise and Steve were so happy! 

It was very touching to sit with my husband and hold his hand as 2 people we care for were pledging their love for each other.  The minister (who by the way was absolutely wonderful!) reminded Denise and Steve that people were going to watch them now that they are married.  He said they needed to be aware that people were going to listen to how they talked to each other and that people would watch how they treated each other.  That really hit hard.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I can't stand to disappoint those that I love and when I feel that I have, I get real defensive.  When I am defensive, I look a little lot witchy.  Witchy turns into 'having a tone in my voice' and giving Tofer what he calls "the look".  If anyone is watching us at this point, we have definitely not been good witnesses.  I don't believe that we should pretend that things are always perfect, but I do believe that sometimes I should wait to speak  raise my voice express my feelings at a time when maybe I am not feeling so defensive.  I still have so much to learn about marriage.  I am very blessed to be married to someone who has patience with me (most of the time) and is willing to let me learn what battles are worth fighting.

I'm back :)

I find it funny that in January I thought I could blog every day...boy, was I wrong.  I have missed it though.  I found some ideas for blogging/journaling on pinterest, so I am going to use those to give me ideas when I am struggling with what to write about.  But today, I have no loss for words...I know exactly what I need to say.  Three months ago today, Tori was given back to her biological father.  Although there are times when I still question, I have moved on as much as humanly possible and I try to laugh and smile when I think of her instead of cry.  There's a saying out there, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened".  Well, I don't always take that approach to things, but as far as Tori goes, that is exactly what I am trying to do...smile because it happened.  I know there is a reason that Tori was brought into our lives.  I also know there is a reason that we lost her...I just don't know what that reason is.  I have come to realize that it is not for me to know.  I am to trust the plan that God has for me and I know that sometimes it will not make sense, but it is not my job to try to make sense of it.  I have grown a lot the past 3 months.  One of my colleagues looked at me the other day and told me she admired me for how I have handled this whole situation.  She told me I could have laid in my bed and cried and mourned and no one would have blamed me.  You know, she's right!  I'm just thankful that I didn't choose that as my way to cope.  I am better because Tori was a part of my life. 

Leap of Faith

It has been a while since I blogged. So much has happened that has kept me from blogging, and I'll eventually write about it...but not now. What I do want to share is that Tofer and I took a leap of faith today. We made the decision to say yes to a profile of a baby that we received last night. Saying yes doesn't guarantee anything. We could be one of 100 couples that say yes to this baby, and we are fully prepared to deal with not being chosen, but I have to say it felt good to say yes. A few months ago I told people that I could never see myself being a mama to anyone but Tori, but I think my heart has changed some. We don't know a lot about the baby because he/she hasn't been born. The birth mother is 16 and her only request is that the people that adopt her baby are experienced with parenting and that there's other children in the house. They do not know the gender of the baby. The ultrasounds have shown great progress and there are no concerns. So what happens now? All of the interested families have profiles sent over to the person handling the case. (this is straight adoption~NO social workers involved!!!!) There's a committee that will look through the family profiles and then will choose a few families to interview and then they'll make a final choice. The profiles have been asked to be in by March 1st and they will meet either March 3rd or 5th. The baby is due April 15th, so the decision will have to be made pretty soon. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just glad we said yes. We are praying for God's will and appreciate prayers.

Suffering

Today at church, Pastor Susan's sermon was on suffering.  She preached a very touching message and I was extremely 'moved' by her words.  2 months ago today, our sweet Tori was taken from us...I think I was definitely suffering today but was reminded that although I may suffer, I still need to trust God.  My mama sent me an email that was sent to her by another friend...I think it says it all...

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad

God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Hmmm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

Wine and Design

Last night, I went to Wine and Design with some of the ladies from my church.  I was excited to go, but being the artistically challenged person that I am, was anxious about what was in store.  I don't see myself as an artistic person.  I am creative when it comes to some things, but there is not an artistic bone in my body; even my stick people are scary.  I sat in the back (first mistake) and when the artist started giving direction, I immediately fell behind and then got even more anxious.  At one point she told us not to think about what we were doing.  Seriously, me? Not think?  Um....that's impossible.  Kristofer says I analyze everything, and I do.  So later when she tells us to 'use our energy to add to our painting', I wanted to raise my hand and ask her what color my energy was and which size brush I needed to use to show said energy.  There was an assistant there that helped people when they needed help...I think I monopolized her time.  I said on more than one occasion that I could now relate to my students who have learning challenges after having this experience...and I was not being funny or insulting, I REALLY felt challenged (and not in a good way) while painting.  However, with a little relaxing (and no, it wasn't from the wine...I didn't have time to drink...I was too busy looking for my energy!), and encouragement from my untruthful friends, I began to loosen up and enjoy the experience.  When I brought it home to my family, I immediately felt a little bit of accomplishment as they told me how good it was.  (not sure if they were lying or not...and I didn't bother to ask)  I might just do it again...but I think next time, I'll sit up front, research brush strokes and blending prior to going, and see if by chance, they offer a paint by number option.  :)  I decided to include my masterpiece below. 



What if...

I was at the Cooks for Books on Tuesday night with my mama.  As we were chatting with friends, someone brought up how much we have to be thankful for...as well as how much we take for granted.  I've seen several interpretations of this saying, but it goes something like, "How much would you have if you only had today what you thanked God for yesterday?"  This really makes me think.  I mean, thanking him for family is a given.  But do I thank him for the 'little' things like hot water, soft pillows, a razor, an in the door ice maker and water dispenser?  What would I have if I was only given what I expressed thanksgiving for?  Kinda makes me think...also kinda puts me in my place....I am so very blessed...Thank you God for my many blessings.

Are you doing ok?

I called today to make an appointment for Ana and me to go and get manicures and pedicures on Saturday.  (we received gift cards from my parents for Christmas)  I have not been to this particular nail salon since October.  The lady that does my nails also does my mama's nails so I asked mama the last time she went, to tell Kathy (my nail lady) about Tori so the next time I went, I would not have to explain.  When I called today, I made the appointment, and Kathy said, "How are you, are you doing ok?"  So, it got me thinking...what does it mean when I am telling people I am ok?  I looked up the definition of ok on the internet.  Here is what it said:

• Used to express assent, agreement, or acceptance.
• Satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good.
• In a satisfactory manner or to a satisfactory extent.
• An authorization or approval.
• To sanction or give approval.

You know, I'm not sure I am any one of these.  I guess, for today, I just 'am.'  I am very blessed, and I honestly force myself (sometimes it is harder than others) to count my blessings and not look at my losses, but some days are harder than others.  This is one of those days.  I miss Tori.  You know, I can't picture her.  If I try really hard to imagine her face, I can't do it.  I have forgotten what her voice sounded like, I have forgotten her smell, the way she hugged me, the touch of her hand.  But I have not forgotten how much she changed my life.  I will never be the same.  I love you Tori and I miss you terribly today. 

The day that Tori was taken from us, I took a picture of her holding my hand...here it is:

Financial Peace

Well, yesterday was the first day I missed blogging...but since Tofer was a guest blogger on a day that I already blogged, I decided it was ok to take a day off!  :) 

Tonight is our second budget meeting.  We had our first 'general' budget meeting a few weeks back to set some amounts and to clarify some things, but tonight, I 'present' Tofer the budget that I have come up with for our family.  He has had input, I'm just the one working with the numbers and plugging them in on a budget form so that we know down to the penny, how our money is being spent.  Now, let me just say this is a work in progress.  I have already made changes to the budget in the past 4 days.  However, I have to say that having a budget and knowing where each penny goes, makes me feel in control...and you all know what a control freak I am.

We began our 'budget journey' by taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University a couple of years ago.  This 'program' opened our eyes and changed our way of thinking about money.  It is WAY more than budgeting, but that is the beginning point for us.  I encourage you to check into the program if you haven't already.  Our church is offering it right now and tomorrow is the visitor's night from 6:00-8:00.  If you're interested in attending tomorrow night to see what it is like, let me know and I'll put you in contact with the facilitator.  You won't regret it.  :)

Meal Planning

OK blog friends...I want your input.  Every Sunday night I sit down and try to plan the meals for the week.  I try to use things that are in the freezer and the pantry, but sometimes I come up BLANK!!  How do you do it?  Do you make a meal plan and then shop, shop and then plan, use a website, etc...????  I struggle because I want to have a variety and I also want to cook healthy.  Any ideas? 

The question of the weekend

I shared with some of my friends that Kristofer was going out of town for the weekend and the question that almost everyone has asked me is, "What are you going to do??"  Well, let me tell you what I have done so far:

• I have controlled the tv remote control
• I slept as late as I wanted
• I left a few things out of place when I left the house to go run an errand
• I slept in the middle of the bed
• I walked from the kitchen to the bedroom and didn't have to explain where I was going to anyone
• I rented a movie with a handsome actor and am about to settle in and watch it (Taylor Lautner)

Don't get me wrong, I love sharing my life with Kristofer, but it is nice to have a weekend to myself.  I also think that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  So here's to a relaxing evening and a productive day tomorrow.  :)

Girlfriends

My stepdaughter, Ana, asked me a while back how long I had known some of my girlfriends. She was interested in the length of time I had known my bridesmaids in our wedding, friends from church, and other women I spend time with. I told her about my best friend Denise, and how we met about 12 years ago, my childhood friend, Shannon, that I've known since girl scouts, my co-worker, Samantha, who I've know almost 2 years, and many more of the friends that are a part of my life. Ana was amazed at the years I have maintained some of these friendships. She explained to me that she has never really seen her mother have lasting friendships with other women. She hasn't had many examples of friendships between women and she said she admired the friendships I had with the women in my life. Later, Tofer shared with me that Ana's mother had difficulty getting along with other women and that he hoped Ana would learn how to be a friend to other girls. I decided at that time that I was going to try my best to set a healthy example for Ana so that she might develop friendships with girls that would be long lasting. I often find Ana watching me interact with my friends and especially how I interact with my mama. I pray I set a positive example for her.


Tonight, I had a thirty-one party at my house. My home was filled with many of my friends...some I know from work, some from church, one from the neighborhood I grew up in, one from adoption class, and of course, my mama. We had a fantastic time eating, laughing, sharing, and looking at the awesome thirty-one products!! As I sat there, I thought about how blessed I am to have so many wonderful connections with all the amazing women in my house. It saddens me to think that there are people out there who are lonely and don't have a group of friends to spend time with. I am so very blessed with the women in my life. (I also have wonderful men in my life, but this is about my girlfriends!!) To all my friends~thank you for being a part of my life. I can only pray that I have added a little happiness to your life and that our friendships will continue to strengthen over the years.

Lots to do...

What a busy night!!  I worked until 6:00, came home, and left about 7:00 to go grocery shopping with Kristofer for his "guy's weekend".  He is going on a fishing trip with 3 other guys he works with and they are as excited as kids are at Christmas.  Not only are we getting him ready for an out of town weekend, but I'm also getting ready for a thirty-one party that I am having at the house tomorrow night.  I have had about 25 people say that they'll be here, so I have been planning the 'menu' of appetizers as well as trying to figure out how we're all going to fit in here!  I'm very excited about having a house full of friends!!


I have had one of the most amazing weeks of teaching this week.  I came back refreshed, organized, and feeling productive.  My students are thrilled that we are beginning multiplication and are very excited that I have been chosen as one of the teachers to pilot the iPad in the classroom.  I'm pretty sure my students know more about the iPad than I do!  All in all, it has been a great first week back and I am very happy to be back to my routine.  I have said it before, and I'll say it again...I feel blessed to be able to do something every day that I love and am passionate about...I realize that not everyone loves what they do and that I am blessed to be one that does.


Heading to bed...

What a sweet story....

We all need friends like this.
 

Lily is a Great Dane that has been blind since a bizarre medical condition required that she have both eyes removed. For the last 5 years, Maddison, another Great Dane, has been her sight. The two are, of course, inseparable. "People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."

Pet Peeves

So, I decided to vent a little about my pet peeves...I know, I should write about all the things that make me happy, but there is some value to venting, right?  Here goes:

• popping gum
• loud crunching
• having to repeat myself because the person I was talking to didn't realize they wanted to listen to me until I was almost through with what I was saying
• when I am busting my behind to get dinner on the table, the dishwasher unloaded, the dog fed, and the kids are sitting on the couch watching tv
• people who say "I" when they should say "me"
• people who use your and you're incorrectly
• people who wear sunglasses inside who don't have a medical condition (sorry Tofer)
• people who talk harshly to their children in public (I'm all for discipline, but don't call your child stupid in WalMart...don't call them stupid at all)
• people who tell endings to the end of movies
• people who talk during movies or tv shows

Wow!!!! I'm just full of things that bother me.  I guess I'll have to write about rainbows and flowers for a few days to make up for my negativity today!  Feel free to comment and add your biggest pet peeves...come on, it'll make you feel better.  :)

Guest Blogger

Tofer wrote this....

AS IT HAPPENED

“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she said.  Her hair was up in two pigtails, one on each side of her pretty head like sprigs of flowers popping through the warm ground in spring.  Her dark eyes were bright, reflecting the thousands of lights that I, my son, and my daughter put up weeks ago in case she did, in fact, leave us before Christmas.  The lights were bright, some white, some colorful, some small, some large.  They shone their differences in her eyes, changing as she moved her head about.

“Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh,” she said again, removing the bottle of milk from her mouth, a rarity in and of itself since the months she changed our home.  She was taken by the beauty, the sparkle, the brightness, the joy of the lights we put up for her.  She had no idea what was happening.  I was glad she didn’t know.  For a second I thought of running off in the woods.  No one would find us.  At least for awhile.

Her little fingers reached up to the lights, stretching outward.  She was trying to reach the lights, but more reaching for what the lights meant.  Once again I heard, “Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.”  I started to cry.  These are the last words I remember hearing her say.  These are the last words I chose to hear her say.  All other words are useless.

The black van sat in the driveway.  Dark.  Cold.  It smelled of food.  I looked in and saw enough McDonald’s cheeseburger wrappers that led me to believe that a National Football League team was fed on the one hour and fifteen minute drive between Snow Hill and our house.  Disgusting.  I walked her to the van and placed her in the van.  Her dark, trusting eyes looked up at me as I strapped her in the carseat and I saw reflections of the Christmas lights.  I find it amazing I could see those reflections because my eyes were so water-filled that I could hardly see her pigtails inches in front of me.  She said something, but all I heard was “Ooooohhhhhhhhhh.”  That’s all I wanted to hear.  That’s all I will accept to hear.

Rewind to a few hours before.

It was the first Monday in December of 2011.  It was warm.  It was cold.  I don’t remember.  I don’t care.  It was warm and perfect when she was there.  All else doesn’t matter.  Regardless, all was right.  Missi got the call.  The judge in all his infinite wisdom decided to send her back to her biological father.  The same father that beat her mother, took drugs, and tested positive for drugs three weeks before this day.   I took the call while working in North Raleigh.  I was stunned.  I sat in a Contractor’s truck smelling of diesel, sweat, and wood crying.  I was lost.  But I had to find. 

I came home.  I saw Missi and saw despair.  It’s hard to see despair in person, kinda like walking up on an accident and knowing the driver, trapped and slowing dying inside the tangled wreckage.  I tried but could not help.  I was useless. 

I looked at her, so beautiful, curious, innocent, and pig-tailed.  Wow.  She took my breath away.  Beauty at it’s purest.  Not knowing she was given a sentence of death from this home, this life, this love.  She toddled, walked, skipped, and smiled for all of us.  Family was gathered, both blood and spiritual.  It was warm.  It was cold.  It was final.

I started packing, just like Missi and I had planned in case this day came.  I actually choked the vomit from my throat several times as I bent down to get her books, toys, and clothes that we were sure we would send with her.  We knew she was going back to limited resources so we decided to help.  Help her.

The piles of her stuff started to grow.  I was happy.  I knew she would have warmth, love, and smiles in all we sent.  I made sure NOTHING was packed in garbage bags.  Her stuff was not garbage, neither was she.  I never wanted to send her that message.  So I took care to pack her things in suitcase, luggage, and things of that source.  I packed.  She played.  People cried.  She never knew.

Fast Forward to Now. 

We were told the social worker would pick her up at 5:15.  That time came and went.  We were alone now.  Family and friends had left.  They didn’t want to be here to see her drive off. I don’t blame them.  I didn’t want to be here either.  The pastor said goodbye and cried.  My in-laws said goodbye and cried.  But then my daughter said goodbye.  Oh my God.  As the van of my ex pulled out, my daughter had her head out of the window shouting a combination of ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’.  I spent several minutes looking for my heart in the grass because it was pulled out of my chest.  Ana’s tears glistened in the Christmas lights.  Ana’s tears almost extinguished the Christmas lights.  Then it was quiet.  It was me, Missi, and her.  Quiet.  Bright.  Solemn.  I realized then it was like sending my child to the gas chamber.  At 5:15 she would be gone.  Forever.  Just a memory.  Done.  I choked back the vomit.

I paced back and forth.  I tried to engage with her, but it hurt so much.  I finally realized if I picked her up, she was one with me, and we were good.  Then, I saw the lights at the end of the cul-de-sac.  Demonic.  Infinite.  It is finished.  They are here for her. 

I gave her to Missi.  I had man-stuff to do.  The social worker approached the house and I hoped Bella would scare her off.  Didn’t work.  Bella went in the crate.  Perhaps Bella knew what was about to happen.  Regardless, here was reality and reality included pain.  Deep pain.

I gave the social worker orders to install the car seat in the van.  I proceeded to put the tar-stained, cigarette-smelling bags sent to us months before by the biological family into the bottom of storage well of the van.  Even after months in the garage, high on a shelf, the blotchy bags smelled of cigarettes. I cringed knowing she was going to back to the same bullshit house.  Can’t even call it a home.  I packed her bags from us, family, and friends on top of the tar stained nastiness underneath hoping it would mask the stench.  But what was I masking?  The stench of what she was dealt?  The stench of the system?

I was so happy because the social worker called me over to the dark van.  I told her I wanted to check the carseat before she left.  She heard me.  I checked it.  Oh my.  I could push the seat over by 90 degrees with one hand.  Social worker???  Watching over children???  You can’t even properly attach a carseat???  “Grab your McDonald’s cheeseburger and see how it’s done.” 

I really said that.  And she said, “Yes, sir.”  Don’t mess with me when it comes to kids.  Don’t mess with me when it comes to her.  Don’t mess with me when it comes to my own.  When I was done, that carseat was attached securely, ready to go.  But not ready for what I had to let go of.

“Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she said.  Little fingers pointed toward to the Christmas lights.  My son took care to make sure the lights were perfect for her.  He was awesome.  My daughter made sure she was warm, dry, and full while we did the lights.  So many people watched out for her.  But the ones who watched for her the most were Missi, Ana, William, and myself.

“Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she cried.  That’s all I heard.  That’s all I want to hear.  That’s all I will hear.  It was all for you, Tori.  All for you.

' Twas the night before track in....

I normally have a sense of dread the night before track in.  Not a huge sense of dread, but enough to bother me.  I usually look back and remind myself of all the things I said I was going to do, and see what I didn't accomplish.  This time is different. I am very pleased with all that I have accomplished over my track out, in fact, the only thing that was on my to do list that is not totally finished it getting our tax information together.  (which WILL be done by this time next week)  I think part of my organization obsession was a result of the need to busy myself so that I didn't dwell on all the yuck that our family has dealt with over the past month.  I also think it was a way for me to control something since so much is out of my control.  I have decided to carry over my organization obsession to school.  I am very much a pack rat 'saver' and have many materials that I have not used but have been hanging on to them "just in case."  I am going to clean out my carts and my cabinet and see if I can make the tracking in and out process more, you guessed it, organized.  So, here's to a successful 3rd quarter with my sweet students, a more organized classroom, and a positive attitude!! 

More drama....

I received a phone call from Tori's social worker from Greene County DSS yesterday.  I had sent her 3 emails over the past month and she finally returned my call yesterday.  Let me back up...Elizabeth (the social worker) suggested that I write a letter to be put in Tori's fie at DSS along with some pictures of us in case Tori ever showed up at DSS wanting to know about who she was with when she was in foster care.  I think she suggested this also as a way for me to have some closure.  About 2 weeks ago, after not hearing back from her, I told Kristofer that I thought something must have happened down there since we have not heard from her.  I knew that something was wrong, and I was sure that I wasn't going to like it when I found out what "it" was...and boy, was I right.

So, yesterday was a workday for me at school.  First thing in the morning, I was in another teacher's classroom and she and her assistant were asking me about Tori and what happened.  (they were tracked out when Tori was taken from us)  As I was talking to them, I told them that one of the things that was so hard was not having closure and always wondering what if.  That was around 7:45 am.  At 8:33 am, my cell phone rang and it was Elizabeth.  She first apologized for not getting back with me sooner.  She also told me she didn't call me back because she had to check with her supervisor about what to tell me.  (her supervisor is the person who worked with us for the first several months we had Tori)  I could tell that she was uncomfortable when we were on the phone, and I knew what she was going to share with me wasn't going to be happy news.  In a nutshell, she told me that we could not send a letter or pictures for Tori.  She said it concerned her supervisor for us to send anything.  I even reiterated that I was only following her (Elizabeth's) recommendation, and she said she realized that and she didn't see the harm, but she was just telling me what her supervisor told her she had to tell me.  She said that DSS had caught some heat from the GAL office about our situation and that her supervisor was concerned about us.  She said that the GAL office shared with Tori's bio father that Kristofer and I were upset and that we had wanted to adopt Tori.  So...that is why we have not been provided with his new number.  Let me also back up and say that for 5 months, Tori's bio dad told everyone involved (social workers, the judge, us) that he wanted us to be in Tori's life no matter what.  Then, about 3 weeks ago, when we tried to call to check in, the number was changed.  I was told yesterday that he changed his number due to Tori's bio mom trying to call, and when Elizabeth asked him if she could pass along his new number to us, he said no, that he just wanted it to be him and Tori for now.  I was also told that Elizabeth could not talk with us anymore.  I finally asked the dreaded question...we had been told that if anything happened and Tori ever came back into care, that she would be brought straight to us.  I asked Elizabeth if that was still the case.  She said her supervisor had concerns about Tori coming to stay with us again.  I explained to Elizabeth that we were aware that phone calls had been made out of concern for Tori, and that we didn't ask anyone to make the calls, although we didn't mind people expressing their concern about how this case was handled.  She thanked me over and over again for taking such good care of Tori and for loving her.  She also asked me to pass along her appreciation to Tofer.  She told me that she hoped that we would keep trying to adopt and she also told me she was sorry things ended like they did.  She told me to keep praying for Tori.  That's it.  They're done with us.  We are being punished because people didn't do their jobs and got called out on it.  We could have exposed a lot, but chose not to, and we're still seen as a 'concern.'  All we ever did was love Tori and want her rights to be respected, we never wanted anything but the best for her. 

I don't know what we'll do next.  Part of me wants to tell our story to someone who can do something about it.  Someone who can step in and say that IF Tori were to come back into care, she should be with a family that she knows.  Someone who can and will do what is best for her.  Someone who will look into the case and hold those accountable that have harmed Tori and abused the system. 

I am praying that if we need to share our story in order to help other children, an opportunity present itself to talk to the 'right person.'  I'm not out for revenge, but if telling our story will help other children, we'll do it. 

Part of me wants to just be done.  Earlier this week, I wrote a letter to Tori on my other blog, one that helped me with my process of trying to move on.  I knew there was a chance I would not ever mail that letter to anyone, and that she may never read it, but it helped to get it out.  Part of me wants to see yesterday's phone call as an answer to my prayer of needing closure. 

When I talked with my mom yesterday, I told her that even though the phone call was horrible, I was not devastated.  My God is bigger than DSS, GAL, social workers, and all the other agencies involved.  If it is His plan for Tori to be with us, He will make it happen.  I am going to trust God's plan.  Don't get me wrong, I am not living my life as if Tori is coming back, but I am also not going to live a defeated life.  I am going to live...that's all I can do...and pray for Tori. 

My Favorites

I wanted to write a short and sweet blog tonight before I went to bed. I asked Kristofer to give me a topic and he suggested I write about some of my favorite things. He started me off with what you see below. I started thinking about all the things in my life that I enjoy and realized that I have lots of favorites. That's a cool realization...there are many things in my life that I enjoy doing and sometimes it is hard to choose my very favorite. (see tv shows below!!) I could write about things I enjoy forever...that's a good feeling. But don't worry, I just wrote a few of them below.


Flower - Hydrangea
Food - Crab Legs
TV Shows - Modern Family, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Body of Proof
Movies - The American President, Grease, Ms. Congeniality
Vacation - Marco Island
Car - Ford Truck
Restaurant - The Melting Pot
Pet - Can't choose just one. I've been blessed with wonderful furry babies
Authors - James Patterson, Nicholas Sparks
Hobbies - reading, watching movies, spending time with family

Parenting stinks (sometimes)

I watched my husband have to enforce a consequence tonight with one of the kids that he hated doing. I remember my parents telling me that punishing me hurt them worse than it hurt me. I always thought they were crazy to say that...now I totally understand what they meant. I don't understand how my husband can effectively parent when the other parent does everything she can do to undermine him. Parenting is hard enough to do without being undermined and manipulated at every turn. Parenting is personal, and sometimes the pain from being hurt by your child is unbearable. My husband is a great daddy, and now more than ever, I hope he knows that.

My accomplishments this track out

Sometimes, at the end of my track out, I look back and wonder where all the time went.  I decided to make a list (and share it) so that when I am doubting whether I was productive or not, I'll have proof that I was.  I had 29 days off work.  I began organizing and cleaning on January 9th... this is what I did:


Organized and cleaned (and purged):

• junk drawer in the kitchen
• cabinet in the living room
• drawers in the tv stand
• bed side table
• linen closet
• laundry closet
• kitchen cabinets
• plastic container drawers
• refrigerator
• oven
• bedroom closet
• book shelf upstairs
• extra room
• Christmas containers/serving dishes
• computer table
• coat/hall closet
• bathroom cabinets
• medicine storage

I also planned our overall budget using the Dave Ramsey 'program', planned meals, found recipes, organized my coupons, and took an entire car load full of donations to the GCF in Garner. 


Yes, this has been a productive and successful track out.  I am pleased with my accomplishments and hope that my organization at home carries over to school.  I also hope my family supports all the work I have done and keeps the organization system in tact.  (Hey, wishful thinking doesn't hurt!) 


I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I have 2 workdays, a weekend, and then my students return on Monday.  I think I'm ready!

Date Night

Tonight is date night...so my blog will be short.  :)  I go back to work officially on Thursday, so I decided to plan something for Tofer and me to do tonight.  I rented the movie "Courageous' and made homemade sloppy joes and Bold Buffalo pretzels.  (both are Tastefully Simple recipes)  We're going to watch a movie and have a little time together before the demands of school kick back in gear.  The skids will also be here Thursday, and we are always so busy!!  I am thankful for nights like tonight when I can sit back, relax, and spend time with my man.  Being married is tough...one of the hardest things I've ever done.  It takes effort.  It is so easy to take your spouse for granted, and I have decided that I need to make an effort to plan more special times for us.  Tofer has been my rock lately with all the stress and sadness we have gone through from the loss of Tori.  He has really been supportive and loving, and let me tell you...I have not been that easy to love at times.  I am so thankful for him and pray that our marriage continues to get stronger. 

More Random Things...

I struggled with a blog topic today, so I decided to write more random things about me.  Enjoy!!

• I have serious texture issues.  I think people call it being "hyper-tactile."  I don't like the way some materials feel.  We have a beautiful blanket that was given to us as a gift, but I can't stand the texture and have convinced Tofer to let me use it as a blanket for the dog to lay on.
• I will not use pen for the transaction record in my checkbook...I have to use pencil.
• It drives me crazy if a room has two light switches for the same light and when the light is on, one switch is up but the other switch for the same light is down.  I think if the light is on, the switch should be flipped up.
• I shave my legs EVERY DAY!!
• I have to say "I love you" every time I get off the phone with a family member.  Even if it is a back to back conversation, I have to say I love you.
• I am seriously addicted to Diet Sunkist.
• If one of my fingernails breaks, I have to file down the rest of my nails on both hands.  I cannot have nails of varying lengths.  (I know, I'm crazy!!)
• I have a serious problem with people that pop gum. 
• The thought of licking a bed sheet or a shirt gives me the heebie jeebies!  I know, who would lick a sheet or a shirt?  Just the thought of it drives me crazy...see the first bullet. 
• I cannot watch the commercials that show abused or abandoned animals.  I have to turn the channel.
• Movies where the main character has bad things happen repeatedly make me uncomfortable.   Example~ Meet the Parents
• I have to put lotion on every time I get out of the bath or shower. 
• If my heels are dry (even just a little bit), I have to apply lotion.  I have to wash my hands after I apply lotion to my feet and then put lotion on my hands after washing them. 
• I rarely leave my house without make-up due to the black circles under my eyes.
• I like my cereal wet.  I used to drink the milk out of the bowl and then eat the cereal.  Now (since I am lactose intolerant), I just put enough milk in the cereal so that it gets wet and then just eat the cereal and get rid of the milk.
• I can't stand going to bed with dishes in the sink.  The only reason that happens is if the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded.
• I always said I wanted a tattoo when I turned 40, but now that I am turning 40 this year, I'm thinking it ain't gonna happen. 

I hope you enjoyed reading more about me.  :)  It is kind of fun to put it all out there!!

My last days of track out...

I have 3 more days until I have to go back to school.  I have 3 workdays this week, but I have already worked one of them so I have to go back on Thursday and Friday.  I feel I have had a very productive track out and I am looking forward to going back to school and starting third quarter.  I ended the quarter in somewhat of a daze since I was still in shock from the loss of Tori.  I'm ready to go back and throw myself into work.  One of the first things I'm going to do is organize my carts!!  (in year round school, since we move rooms every quarter, we have carts with all our stuff in them)  For the next 3 days, I'm going to finish getting my tax information ready, finish a book I started reading earlier this week, organize an upstairs bookshelf, organize our closet, and work on the extra bedroom that became the 'catch all room' when we moved William to the bonus room.  I realize that some of these tasks may carry over to the weekend...and it is fine with me since the kids will be here and they can help.  I am pleased with the progress I've made and feel that I am more in control and on top of the 'stuff' in my house.  People always ask me if I like teaching in year round schools...the answer is usually yes when I am tracked out, and no when I'm 6 weeks into a quarter and won't have a break for 3 weeks!  Still, it has ups and downs, and 'it is what it is.'  I'm going to go finish my book....

Weekends

I have come to the conclusion that weekends are hard for me.  For six months, we had wonderful weekends with Tori.  We enjoyed lazy mornings in bed on Saturdays and church on Sundays with her.  We had a lot of down time with her as well as trips to the lake, BugFest, visits with extended family, outside fun, and lots of other fun-filled times.  Now, I only have to get up on Saturdays if Bella wakes up and needs to go out.  I can stay up late reading at night and I actually sleep all night long.  I don't have to get up several times to console a crying baby and I don't have the middle of the night diaper changes.  I can do what I want, when I want.  And you know what?  I don't like it.  I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night and at the crack of dawn on the weekends.  I would give anything to have to plan fun things for us to do as a family.  I often think back to what I didn't get to do with her.  I always wanted to take her to Marbles, but I never did.  I also wanted to take her to spend more time with my grandma, but I didn't.  I wanted her to meet my in-laws, but because of the distance, she didn't.  Sometimes, the pain of not being able to make memories with her is paralyzing.  I am trying hard to trust God instead of trying to understand why things happened the way they did.  That is so terribly hard for me to do.  I have a lot of whys and what ifs and I don't know what to do with all my questions.  I know it will take time, I just have difficulty being patient.  We were told by Tori's biological dad that we could call his phone anytime we wanted to check on her.  We called the week after she was taken from us just to check and see if she was doing ok and if he had questions about her schedule or anything.  After that phone call, we waited 3 weeks and then tried to call again just to talk with him and see how Christmas went and see how they were doing.  The number we called had a recording that said the number was no longer a working number.  Talk about being ticked off!  He does not have to talk with us.  He never had to tell anyone that he wanted to keep contact with us, but he did.  In fact, he was praised by the social workers and others involved when he told people how much he appreciated us and that he wanted us to remain a part of her life.  So what changed??  I always got the impression that he told people what he thought they wanted to hear, but I honestly thought that since he said it so many times, to so many people, that he meant it.  I am also upset because I have sent 2 emails to the social worker and she has yet to respond.  She called me the week that Tori was taken to check on me and ended up talking to Kristofer instead.  I waited until the week after Christmas to email her and touch base with her about some loose ends.  After not hearing anything back, I tried to email again and just asked her my questions.  Still, no response.  I sent another email yesterday and told her that if it was not appropriate for us to communicate, for her to let me know, and I would not contact her again...we'll see what happens.  I went from countless phone calls and emails to nothing.  It is not a good feeling.  I miss Tori so much and pray that God heals my pain.  I am moving forward.  I have had more good days than bad, but when I have those bad days/moments, I feel stuck in that pain.  I feel alone and punished.  I am so thankful for the time I had with Tori.  I loved being a mama, I just wish I was able to be her mama a whole lot longer...like forever. 

My Weight Watchers Update

I almost forgot to blog about my weight loss plan.  I did not weigh in on Monday this week.  I also did not really get back on Weight Watchers.  I did go to Trader Joes to stock up on fruits and veggies and started planning meals again.  I also started looking for new recipes to make.  My goal is to be back on the plan fully by next week.  I have always hated starting a 'diet' or new way of eating when I wasn't prepared.  However, when am I really prepared for a diet?  I know, people say not to call it a diet, but seriously folks, I call it as I see it.  I am going to write my health goals down so that I can hold myself accountable.  I'm sure I'll add to the list as I go along, but I want to start with a few attainable goals.

• Drink more water and less Diet Sunkist
• Take multi-vitamin every day
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Make one new healthy recipe each week
• Track what I eat
• Plan meals

I think one of my main hang ups is trying to plan for other people.  I think weight loss is a very personal thing and I have things that I like and need in order to meet my dieting needs, but Tofer and the kids have other needs.  For example, I would be fine with having a bowl of cereal for dinner or something simple like a baked potato, meatless spaghetti, etc...  Tofer, on the other hand, enjoys a main dish with sides.  So, I am planning for all of us, which can be challenging when I am limiting myself.  I have found ways around it like I'll do frozen pizzas for them and I'll eat a Weight Watchers frozen pizza.  I have also done things like make sure the sides I make are low point or free so that I can load up on those if I don't have a large amount of points left for the day.  I don't know if others have this problem, but after a week or two of menu planning, I get burned out and run out of ideas. 

One of my biggest problems???  Having things JUST FOR ME to help me be successful on my diet, but going to get them to only find that someone that is not on a diet has eaten them or finished them.  Tofer has this thing where he feels like if the kids want it, then they should be able to have it, but I don't agree with that, especially when it comes to me trying to eat healthy.  Any suggestions????

Day Something...Linen Closet, Coat/Hall Closet, Laundry Room Cabinets

Ok, so it took me several hours to do the closets and cabinets, but I was watching reality tv while I was working and took several breaks.  The end results are below.  I am pleased with how the closets turned out and even more pleased that I have found more space if I need it.  :) 



More results from my organization challenge!!

Today was a great day to stay indoors and organize.  I organized the cabinets under my sink as well as a catch-all cabinet in the kitchen.  I also organized the 'tupperware' drawers.  (although most of the pieces are Gladware)  I also started working a little on preparing to do the linen closet because that is going to be a monster!  I'm glad Tofer will be working tomorrow because our house is liable to be a MESS for several hours!!  Here are my results from today:

On another note, I am looking forward to going to our church's Wonderful Wednesday tonight.  There is a dinner and then a variety of studies.  The study I attend is Lectio Devina.  I enjoy this study because it is personal.  Here's a description from Wikipedia of what this study is all about:
In Christianity, Lectio Divina (Latin for divine reading) is a traditional Catholic practice of scriptural reading, meditation and prayer intended to promote communion with God and to increase the knowledge of God's Word. It does not treat Scripture as texts to be studied, but as the Living Word.
Traditionally Lectio Divina has 4 separate steps: read, meditate, pray and contemplate. First a passage of Scripture is read, then its meaning is reflected upon. This is followed by prayer and contemplation on the Word of God. 

Each week, we focus on the scripture for the upcoming Sunday's sermon.  I have found that I am more engaged when I am in worship because I have already read and contemplated the scripture that the minister is preaching about.  If you ever want to check it out, let me know.  :)