Weekends

I have come to the conclusion that weekends are hard for me.  For six months, we had wonderful weekends with Tori.  We enjoyed lazy mornings in bed on Saturdays and church on Sundays with her.  We had a lot of down time with her as well as trips to the lake, BugFest, visits with extended family, outside fun, and lots of other fun-filled times.  Now, I only have to get up on Saturdays if Bella wakes up and needs to go out.  I can stay up late reading at night and I actually sleep all night long.  I don't have to get up several times to console a crying baby and I don't have the middle of the night diaper changes.  I can do what I want, when I want.  And you know what?  I don't like it.  I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night and at the crack of dawn on the weekends.  I would give anything to have to plan fun things for us to do as a family.  I often think back to what I didn't get to do with her.  I always wanted to take her to Marbles, but I never did.  I also wanted to take her to spend more time with my grandma, but I didn't.  I wanted her to meet my in-laws, but because of the distance, she didn't.  Sometimes, the pain of not being able to make memories with her is paralyzing.  I am trying hard to trust God instead of trying to understand why things happened the way they did.  That is so terribly hard for me to do.  I have a lot of whys and what ifs and I don't know what to do with all my questions.  I know it will take time, I just have difficulty being patient.  We were told by Tori's biological dad that we could call his phone anytime we wanted to check on her.  We called the week after she was taken from us just to check and see if she was doing ok and if he had questions about her schedule or anything.  After that phone call, we waited 3 weeks and then tried to call again just to talk with him and see how Christmas went and see how they were doing.  The number we called had a recording that said the number was no longer a working number.  Talk about being ticked off!  He does not have to talk with us.  He never had to tell anyone that he wanted to keep contact with us, but he did.  In fact, he was praised by the social workers and others involved when he told people how much he appreciated us and that he wanted us to remain a part of her life.  So what changed??  I always got the impression that he told people what he thought they wanted to hear, but I honestly thought that since he said it so many times, to so many people, that he meant it.  I am also upset because I have sent 2 emails to the social worker and she has yet to respond.  She called me the week that Tori was taken to check on me and ended up talking to Kristofer instead.  I waited until the week after Christmas to email her and touch base with her about some loose ends.  After not hearing anything back, I tried to email again and just asked her my questions.  Still, no response.  I sent another email yesterday and told her that if it was not appropriate for us to communicate, for her to let me know, and I would not contact her again...we'll see what happens.  I went from countless phone calls and emails to nothing.  It is not a good feeling.  I miss Tori so much and pray that God heals my pain.  I am moving forward.  I have had more good days than bad, but when I have those bad days/moments, I feel stuck in that pain.  I feel alone and punished.  I am so thankful for the time I had with Tori.  I loved being a mama, I just wish I was able to be her mama a whole lot longer...like forever.