Ramblings of a step-mama (or smama, as my skids call me)

As Tofer, William, Ana, and I were driving through Garner on our way home from dinner tonight, Kristofer asked me if I'd like to stop by and see my parents.  I called my mama to see if they were up for company and when I got off the phone, Ana asked me if my mama and I were close.  She said it as if it were not normal for a mother and daughter to be close.  I am not going to say much about Ana's relationship with her biological mother except that it is strained, and on many occasions, Ana has told me she wishes I was her mom.  I know this is more than likely a phase, but Ana's question tonight made me think of what an awesome opportunity I have to show Ana that mothers and daughters can be close, regardless of differences of opinions, arguments, etc...  It also was a reminder of how very blessed I am to have the relationship that I have with both my mama and my daddy.  I know that I am loved.  I know that I am valued.  I know that they are proud of me.  I know it wasn't always roses and rainbows, and I am sure some of you are shocked to read that I was a holy terror on more than one occasion while growing up.  But, my parents loved me through it all and it amazes me that they treat me today as if I didn't put them through heck while growing up.  I am so blessed to have been raised by my parents.  I am also sad that Ana is at the point in her life where she is finding it hard to get along with her mother.  I know that it is very common for girls and mothers to argue and butt heads, but Ana has been told that she has not turned out to be the daughter that her mother dreamed of having when she was looking forward to being a mother.  I know that frustration leads to angry words, and I am reminded that when I say something in anger to those that I love, they more than likely will internalize what I say.  I just want Ana to have the same assurance about her relationship with her mother, that I have about my relationship with my mama.  (and daddy)   

Today has been a hard day as far as thinking about Tori.  My mind has been flooded with memories, and I saw many things that reminded me of her as we were walking around Crabtree mall.  There was a kid that had the same green sippy cup that Tori used, we passed by Stride Rite and Gymboree, 2 places where my mama bought Tori an outfit for pictures and shoes for the summer and the winter, and when we stopped at Krispy Kreme for dessert, there was a little girl that had eyes like Tori.  I know that memories of her are going to pop up, but some days I am able to handle it better than others.  I kept reminding myself that I have had 5 great days, and today was my first 'blah' day...that is an accomplishment.

I'm thankful for the opportunity God has given me to be a maternal influence on my step-kids (skids), and pray that I make decisions that are pleasing to Him.  I also pray that when Ana looks back, she sees that I tried my very best to have a healthy and strong relationship with her.  I also pray that Ana's mother can let go of her distaste for Ana's father and me and be the mother that Ana needs her to be.  And last but not least, I pray that one day, I can be a mama again.