Financial Peace

Well, yesterday was the first day I missed blogging...but since Tofer was a guest blogger on a day that I already blogged, I decided it was ok to take a day off!  :) 

Tonight is our second budget meeting.  We had our first 'general' budget meeting a few weeks back to set some amounts and to clarify some things, but tonight, I 'present' Tofer the budget that I have come up with for our family.  He has had input, I'm just the one working with the numbers and plugging them in on a budget form so that we know down to the penny, how our money is being spent.  Now, let me just say this is a work in progress.  I have already made changes to the budget in the past 4 days.  However, I have to say that having a budget and knowing where each penny goes, makes me feel in control...and you all know what a control freak I am.

We began our 'budget journey' by taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University a couple of years ago.  This 'program' opened our eyes and changed our way of thinking about money.  It is WAY more than budgeting, but that is the beginning point for us.  I encourage you to check into the program if you haven't already.  Our church is offering it right now and tomorrow is the visitor's night from 6:00-8:00.  If you're interested in attending tomorrow night to see what it is like, let me know and I'll put you in contact with the facilitator.  You won't regret it.  :)

Meal Planning

OK blog friends...I want your input.  Every Sunday night I sit down and try to plan the meals for the week.  I try to use things that are in the freezer and the pantry, but sometimes I come up BLANK!!  How do you do it?  Do you make a meal plan and then shop, shop and then plan, use a website, etc...????  I struggle because I want to have a variety and I also want to cook healthy.  Any ideas? 

The question of the weekend

I shared with some of my friends that Kristofer was going out of town for the weekend and the question that almost everyone has asked me is, "What are you going to do??"  Well, let me tell you what I have done so far:

• I have controlled the tv remote control
• I slept as late as I wanted
• I left a few things out of place when I left the house to go run an errand
• I slept in the middle of the bed
• I walked from the kitchen to the bedroom and didn't have to explain where I was going to anyone
• I rented a movie with a handsome actor and am about to settle in and watch it (Taylor Lautner)

Don't get me wrong, I love sharing my life with Kristofer, but it is nice to have a weekend to myself.  I also think that distance makes the heart grow fonder.  So here's to a relaxing evening and a productive day tomorrow.  :)

Girlfriends

My stepdaughter, Ana, asked me a while back how long I had known some of my girlfriends. She was interested in the length of time I had known my bridesmaids in our wedding, friends from church, and other women I spend time with. I told her about my best friend Denise, and how we met about 12 years ago, my childhood friend, Shannon, that I've known since girl scouts, my co-worker, Samantha, who I've know almost 2 years, and many more of the friends that are a part of my life. Ana was amazed at the years I have maintained some of these friendships. She explained to me that she has never really seen her mother have lasting friendships with other women. She hasn't had many examples of friendships between women and she said she admired the friendships I had with the women in my life. Later, Tofer shared with me that Ana's mother had difficulty getting along with other women and that he hoped Ana would learn how to be a friend to other girls. I decided at that time that I was going to try my best to set a healthy example for Ana so that she might develop friendships with girls that would be long lasting. I often find Ana watching me interact with my friends and especially how I interact with my mama. I pray I set a positive example for her.


Tonight, I had a thirty-one party at my house. My home was filled with many of my friends...some I know from work, some from church, one from the neighborhood I grew up in, one from adoption class, and of course, my mama. We had a fantastic time eating, laughing, sharing, and looking at the awesome thirty-one products!! As I sat there, I thought about how blessed I am to have so many wonderful connections with all the amazing women in my house. It saddens me to think that there are people out there who are lonely and don't have a group of friends to spend time with. I am so very blessed with the women in my life. (I also have wonderful men in my life, but this is about my girlfriends!!) To all my friends~thank you for being a part of my life. I can only pray that I have added a little happiness to your life and that our friendships will continue to strengthen over the years.

Lots to do...

What a busy night!!  I worked until 6:00, came home, and left about 7:00 to go grocery shopping with Kristofer for his "guy's weekend".  He is going on a fishing trip with 3 other guys he works with and they are as excited as kids are at Christmas.  Not only are we getting him ready for an out of town weekend, but I'm also getting ready for a thirty-one party that I am having at the house tomorrow night.  I have had about 25 people say that they'll be here, so I have been planning the 'menu' of appetizers as well as trying to figure out how we're all going to fit in here!  I'm very excited about having a house full of friends!!


I have had one of the most amazing weeks of teaching this week.  I came back refreshed, organized, and feeling productive.  My students are thrilled that we are beginning multiplication and are very excited that I have been chosen as one of the teachers to pilot the iPad in the classroom.  I'm pretty sure my students know more about the iPad than I do!  All in all, it has been a great first week back and I am very happy to be back to my routine.  I have said it before, and I'll say it again...I feel blessed to be able to do something every day that I love and am passionate about...I realize that not everyone loves what they do and that I am blessed to be one that does.


Heading to bed...

What a sweet story....

We all need friends like this.
 

Lily is a Great Dane that has been blind since a bizarre medical condition required that she have both eyes removed. For the last 5 years, Maddison, another Great Dane, has been her sight. The two are, of course, inseparable. "People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."

Pet Peeves

So, I decided to vent a little about my pet peeves...I know, I should write about all the things that make me happy, but there is some value to venting, right?  Here goes:

• popping gum
• loud crunching
• having to repeat myself because the person I was talking to didn't realize they wanted to listen to me until I was almost through with what I was saying
• when I am busting my behind to get dinner on the table, the dishwasher unloaded, the dog fed, and the kids are sitting on the couch watching tv
• people who say "I" when they should say "me"
• people who use your and you're incorrectly
• people who wear sunglasses inside who don't have a medical condition (sorry Tofer)
• people who talk harshly to their children in public (I'm all for discipline, but don't call your child stupid in WalMart...don't call them stupid at all)
• people who tell endings to the end of movies
• people who talk during movies or tv shows

Wow!!!! I'm just full of things that bother me.  I guess I'll have to write about rainbows and flowers for a few days to make up for my negativity today!  Feel free to comment and add your biggest pet peeves...come on, it'll make you feel better.  :)

Guest Blogger

Tofer wrote this....

AS IT HAPPENED

“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she said.  Her hair was up in two pigtails, one on each side of her pretty head like sprigs of flowers popping through the warm ground in spring.  Her dark eyes were bright, reflecting the thousands of lights that I, my son, and my daughter put up weeks ago in case she did, in fact, leave us before Christmas.  The lights were bright, some white, some colorful, some small, some large.  They shone their differences in her eyes, changing as she moved her head about.

“Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh,” she said again, removing the bottle of milk from her mouth, a rarity in and of itself since the months she changed our home.  She was taken by the beauty, the sparkle, the brightness, the joy of the lights we put up for her.  She had no idea what was happening.  I was glad she didn’t know.  For a second I thought of running off in the woods.  No one would find us.  At least for awhile.

Her little fingers reached up to the lights, stretching outward.  She was trying to reach the lights, but more reaching for what the lights meant.  Once again I heard, “Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh.”  I started to cry.  These are the last words I remember hearing her say.  These are the last words I chose to hear her say.  All other words are useless.

The black van sat in the driveway.  Dark.  Cold.  It smelled of food.  I looked in and saw enough McDonald’s cheeseburger wrappers that led me to believe that a National Football League team was fed on the one hour and fifteen minute drive between Snow Hill and our house.  Disgusting.  I walked her to the van and placed her in the van.  Her dark, trusting eyes looked up at me as I strapped her in the carseat and I saw reflections of the Christmas lights.  I find it amazing I could see those reflections because my eyes were so water-filled that I could hardly see her pigtails inches in front of me.  She said something, but all I heard was “Ooooohhhhhhhhhh.”  That’s all I wanted to hear.  That’s all I will accept to hear.

Rewind to a few hours before.

It was the first Monday in December of 2011.  It was warm.  It was cold.  I don’t remember.  I don’t care.  It was warm and perfect when she was there.  All else doesn’t matter.  Regardless, all was right.  Missi got the call.  The judge in all his infinite wisdom decided to send her back to her biological father.  The same father that beat her mother, took drugs, and tested positive for drugs three weeks before this day.   I took the call while working in North Raleigh.  I was stunned.  I sat in a Contractor’s truck smelling of diesel, sweat, and wood crying.  I was lost.  But I had to find. 

I came home.  I saw Missi and saw despair.  It’s hard to see despair in person, kinda like walking up on an accident and knowing the driver, trapped and slowing dying inside the tangled wreckage.  I tried but could not help.  I was useless. 

I looked at her, so beautiful, curious, innocent, and pig-tailed.  Wow.  She took my breath away.  Beauty at it’s purest.  Not knowing she was given a sentence of death from this home, this life, this love.  She toddled, walked, skipped, and smiled for all of us.  Family was gathered, both blood and spiritual.  It was warm.  It was cold.  It was final.

I started packing, just like Missi and I had planned in case this day came.  I actually choked the vomit from my throat several times as I bent down to get her books, toys, and clothes that we were sure we would send with her.  We knew she was going back to limited resources so we decided to help.  Help her.

The piles of her stuff started to grow.  I was happy.  I knew she would have warmth, love, and smiles in all we sent.  I made sure NOTHING was packed in garbage bags.  Her stuff was not garbage, neither was she.  I never wanted to send her that message.  So I took care to pack her things in suitcase, luggage, and things of that source.  I packed.  She played.  People cried.  She never knew.

Fast Forward to Now. 

We were told the social worker would pick her up at 5:15.  That time came and went.  We were alone now.  Family and friends had left.  They didn’t want to be here to see her drive off. I don’t blame them.  I didn’t want to be here either.  The pastor said goodbye and cried.  My in-laws said goodbye and cried.  But then my daughter said goodbye.  Oh my God.  As the van of my ex pulled out, my daughter had her head out of the window shouting a combination of ‘goodbye’ and ‘I love you’.  I spent several minutes looking for my heart in the grass because it was pulled out of my chest.  Ana’s tears glistened in the Christmas lights.  Ana’s tears almost extinguished the Christmas lights.  Then it was quiet.  It was me, Missi, and her.  Quiet.  Bright.  Solemn.  I realized then it was like sending my child to the gas chamber.  At 5:15 she would be gone.  Forever.  Just a memory.  Done.  I choked back the vomit.

I paced back and forth.  I tried to engage with her, but it hurt so much.  I finally realized if I picked her up, she was one with me, and we were good.  Then, I saw the lights at the end of the cul-de-sac.  Demonic.  Infinite.  It is finished.  They are here for her. 

I gave her to Missi.  I had man-stuff to do.  The social worker approached the house and I hoped Bella would scare her off.  Didn’t work.  Bella went in the crate.  Perhaps Bella knew what was about to happen.  Regardless, here was reality and reality included pain.  Deep pain.

I gave the social worker orders to install the car seat in the van.  I proceeded to put the tar-stained, cigarette-smelling bags sent to us months before by the biological family into the bottom of storage well of the van.  Even after months in the garage, high on a shelf, the blotchy bags smelled of cigarettes. I cringed knowing she was going to back to the same bullshit house.  Can’t even call it a home.  I packed her bags from us, family, and friends on top of the tar stained nastiness underneath hoping it would mask the stench.  But what was I masking?  The stench of what she was dealt?  The stench of the system?

I was so happy because the social worker called me over to the dark van.  I told her I wanted to check the carseat before she left.  She heard me.  I checked it.  Oh my.  I could push the seat over by 90 degrees with one hand.  Social worker???  Watching over children???  You can’t even properly attach a carseat???  “Grab your McDonald’s cheeseburger and see how it’s done.” 

I really said that.  And she said, “Yes, sir.”  Don’t mess with me when it comes to kids.  Don’t mess with me when it comes to her.  Don’t mess with me when it comes to my own.  When I was done, that carseat was attached securely, ready to go.  But not ready for what I had to let go of.

“Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she said.  Little fingers pointed toward to the Christmas lights.  My son took care to make sure the lights were perfect for her.  He was awesome.  My daughter made sure she was warm, dry, and full while we did the lights.  So many people watched out for her.  But the ones who watched for her the most were Missi, Ana, William, and myself.

“Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she cried.  That’s all I heard.  That’s all I want to hear.  That’s all I will hear.  It was all for you, Tori.  All for you.

' Twas the night before track in....

I normally have a sense of dread the night before track in.  Not a huge sense of dread, but enough to bother me.  I usually look back and remind myself of all the things I said I was going to do, and see what I didn't accomplish.  This time is different. I am very pleased with all that I have accomplished over my track out, in fact, the only thing that was on my to do list that is not totally finished it getting our tax information together.  (which WILL be done by this time next week)  I think part of my organization obsession was a result of the need to busy myself so that I didn't dwell on all the yuck that our family has dealt with over the past month.  I also think it was a way for me to control something since so much is out of my control.  I have decided to carry over my organization obsession to school.  I am very much a pack rat 'saver' and have many materials that I have not used but have been hanging on to them "just in case."  I am going to clean out my carts and my cabinet and see if I can make the tracking in and out process more, you guessed it, organized.  So, here's to a successful 3rd quarter with my sweet students, a more organized classroom, and a positive attitude!! 

More drama....

I received a phone call from Tori's social worker from Greene County DSS yesterday.  I had sent her 3 emails over the past month and she finally returned my call yesterday.  Let me back up...Elizabeth (the social worker) suggested that I write a letter to be put in Tori's fie at DSS along with some pictures of us in case Tori ever showed up at DSS wanting to know about who she was with when she was in foster care.  I think she suggested this also as a way for me to have some closure.  About 2 weeks ago, after not hearing back from her, I told Kristofer that I thought something must have happened down there since we have not heard from her.  I knew that something was wrong, and I was sure that I wasn't going to like it when I found out what "it" was...and boy, was I right.

So, yesterday was a workday for me at school.  First thing in the morning, I was in another teacher's classroom and she and her assistant were asking me about Tori and what happened.  (they were tracked out when Tori was taken from us)  As I was talking to them, I told them that one of the things that was so hard was not having closure and always wondering what if.  That was around 7:45 am.  At 8:33 am, my cell phone rang and it was Elizabeth.  She first apologized for not getting back with me sooner.  She also told me she didn't call me back because she had to check with her supervisor about what to tell me.  (her supervisor is the person who worked with us for the first several months we had Tori)  I could tell that she was uncomfortable when we were on the phone, and I knew what she was going to share with me wasn't going to be happy news.  In a nutshell, she told me that we could not send a letter or pictures for Tori.  She said it concerned her supervisor for us to send anything.  I even reiterated that I was only following her (Elizabeth's) recommendation, and she said she realized that and she didn't see the harm, but she was just telling me what her supervisor told her she had to tell me.  She said that DSS had caught some heat from the GAL office about our situation and that her supervisor was concerned about us.  She said that the GAL office shared with Tori's bio father that Kristofer and I were upset and that we had wanted to adopt Tori.  So...that is why we have not been provided with his new number.  Let me also back up and say that for 5 months, Tori's bio dad told everyone involved (social workers, the judge, us) that he wanted us to be in Tori's life no matter what.  Then, about 3 weeks ago, when we tried to call to check in, the number was changed.  I was told yesterday that he changed his number due to Tori's bio mom trying to call, and when Elizabeth asked him if she could pass along his new number to us, he said no, that he just wanted it to be him and Tori for now.  I was also told that Elizabeth could not talk with us anymore.  I finally asked the dreaded question...we had been told that if anything happened and Tori ever came back into care, that she would be brought straight to us.  I asked Elizabeth if that was still the case.  She said her supervisor had concerns about Tori coming to stay with us again.  I explained to Elizabeth that we were aware that phone calls had been made out of concern for Tori, and that we didn't ask anyone to make the calls, although we didn't mind people expressing their concern about how this case was handled.  She thanked me over and over again for taking such good care of Tori and for loving her.  She also asked me to pass along her appreciation to Tofer.  She told me that she hoped that we would keep trying to adopt and she also told me she was sorry things ended like they did.  She told me to keep praying for Tori.  That's it.  They're done with us.  We are being punished because people didn't do their jobs and got called out on it.  We could have exposed a lot, but chose not to, and we're still seen as a 'concern.'  All we ever did was love Tori and want her rights to be respected, we never wanted anything but the best for her. 

I don't know what we'll do next.  Part of me wants to tell our story to someone who can do something about it.  Someone who can step in and say that IF Tori were to come back into care, she should be with a family that she knows.  Someone who can and will do what is best for her.  Someone who will look into the case and hold those accountable that have harmed Tori and abused the system. 

I am praying that if we need to share our story in order to help other children, an opportunity present itself to talk to the 'right person.'  I'm not out for revenge, but if telling our story will help other children, we'll do it. 

Part of me wants to just be done.  Earlier this week, I wrote a letter to Tori on my other blog, one that helped me with my process of trying to move on.  I knew there was a chance I would not ever mail that letter to anyone, and that she may never read it, but it helped to get it out.  Part of me wants to see yesterday's phone call as an answer to my prayer of needing closure. 

When I talked with my mom yesterday, I told her that even though the phone call was horrible, I was not devastated.  My God is bigger than DSS, GAL, social workers, and all the other agencies involved.  If it is His plan for Tori to be with us, He will make it happen.  I am going to trust God's plan.  Don't get me wrong, I am not living my life as if Tori is coming back, but I am also not going to live a defeated life.  I am going to live...that's all I can do...and pray for Tori. 

My Favorites

I wanted to write a short and sweet blog tonight before I went to bed. I asked Kristofer to give me a topic and he suggested I write about some of my favorite things. He started me off with what you see below. I started thinking about all the things in my life that I enjoy and realized that I have lots of favorites. That's a cool realization...there are many things in my life that I enjoy doing and sometimes it is hard to choose my very favorite. (see tv shows below!!) I could write about things I enjoy forever...that's a good feeling. But don't worry, I just wrote a few of them below.


Flower - Hydrangea
Food - Crab Legs
TV Shows - Modern Family, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Body of Proof
Movies - The American President, Grease, Ms. Congeniality
Vacation - Marco Island
Car - Ford Truck
Restaurant - The Melting Pot
Pet - Can't choose just one. I've been blessed with wonderful furry babies
Authors - James Patterson, Nicholas Sparks
Hobbies - reading, watching movies, spending time with family

Parenting stinks (sometimes)

I watched my husband have to enforce a consequence tonight with one of the kids that he hated doing. I remember my parents telling me that punishing me hurt them worse than it hurt me. I always thought they were crazy to say that...now I totally understand what they meant. I don't understand how my husband can effectively parent when the other parent does everything she can do to undermine him. Parenting is hard enough to do without being undermined and manipulated at every turn. Parenting is personal, and sometimes the pain from being hurt by your child is unbearable. My husband is a great daddy, and now more than ever, I hope he knows that.

My accomplishments this track out

Sometimes, at the end of my track out, I look back and wonder where all the time went.  I decided to make a list (and share it) so that when I am doubting whether I was productive or not, I'll have proof that I was.  I had 29 days off work.  I began organizing and cleaning on January 9th... this is what I did:


Organized and cleaned (and purged):

• junk drawer in the kitchen
• cabinet in the living room
• drawers in the tv stand
• bed side table
• linen closet
• laundry closet
• kitchen cabinets
• plastic container drawers
• refrigerator
• oven
• bedroom closet
• book shelf upstairs
• extra room
• Christmas containers/serving dishes
• computer table
• coat/hall closet
• bathroom cabinets
• medicine storage

I also planned our overall budget using the Dave Ramsey 'program', planned meals, found recipes, organized my coupons, and took an entire car load full of donations to the GCF in Garner. 


Yes, this has been a productive and successful track out.  I am pleased with my accomplishments and hope that my organization at home carries over to school.  I also hope my family supports all the work I have done and keeps the organization system in tact.  (Hey, wishful thinking doesn't hurt!) 


I am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.  I have 2 workdays, a weekend, and then my students return on Monday.  I think I'm ready!

Date Night

Tonight is date night...so my blog will be short.  :)  I go back to work officially on Thursday, so I decided to plan something for Tofer and me to do tonight.  I rented the movie "Courageous' and made homemade sloppy joes and Bold Buffalo pretzels.  (both are Tastefully Simple recipes)  We're going to watch a movie and have a little time together before the demands of school kick back in gear.  The skids will also be here Thursday, and we are always so busy!!  I am thankful for nights like tonight when I can sit back, relax, and spend time with my man.  Being married is tough...one of the hardest things I've ever done.  It takes effort.  It is so easy to take your spouse for granted, and I have decided that I need to make an effort to plan more special times for us.  Tofer has been my rock lately with all the stress and sadness we have gone through from the loss of Tori.  He has really been supportive and loving, and let me tell you...I have not been that easy to love at times.  I am so thankful for him and pray that our marriage continues to get stronger. 

More Random Things...

I struggled with a blog topic today, so I decided to write more random things about me.  Enjoy!!

• I have serious texture issues.  I think people call it being "hyper-tactile."  I don't like the way some materials feel.  We have a beautiful blanket that was given to us as a gift, but I can't stand the texture and have convinced Tofer to let me use it as a blanket for the dog to lay on.
• I will not use pen for the transaction record in my checkbook...I have to use pencil.
• It drives me crazy if a room has two light switches for the same light and when the light is on, one switch is up but the other switch for the same light is down.  I think if the light is on, the switch should be flipped up.
• I shave my legs EVERY DAY!!
• I have to say "I love you" every time I get off the phone with a family member.  Even if it is a back to back conversation, I have to say I love you.
• I am seriously addicted to Diet Sunkist.
• If one of my fingernails breaks, I have to file down the rest of my nails on both hands.  I cannot have nails of varying lengths.  (I know, I'm crazy!!)
• I have a serious problem with people that pop gum. 
• The thought of licking a bed sheet or a shirt gives me the heebie jeebies!  I know, who would lick a sheet or a shirt?  Just the thought of it drives me crazy...see the first bullet. 
• I cannot watch the commercials that show abused or abandoned animals.  I have to turn the channel.
• Movies where the main character has bad things happen repeatedly make me uncomfortable.   Example~ Meet the Parents
• I have to put lotion on every time I get out of the bath or shower. 
• If my heels are dry (even just a little bit), I have to apply lotion.  I have to wash my hands after I apply lotion to my feet and then put lotion on my hands after washing them. 
• I rarely leave my house without make-up due to the black circles under my eyes.
• I like my cereal wet.  I used to drink the milk out of the bowl and then eat the cereal.  Now (since I am lactose intolerant), I just put enough milk in the cereal so that it gets wet and then just eat the cereal and get rid of the milk.
• I can't stand going to bed with dishes in the sink.  The only reason that happens is if the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded.
• I always said I wanted a tattoo when I turned 40, but now that I am turning 40 this year, I'm thinking it ain't gonna happen. 

I hope you enjoyed reading more about me.  :)  It is kind of fun to put it all out there!!

My last days of track out...

I have 3 more days until I have to go back to school.  I have 3 workdays this week, but I have already worked one of them so I have to go back on Thursday and Friday.  I feel I have had a very productive track out and I am looking forward to going back to school and starting third quarter.  I ended the quarter in somewhat of a daze since I was still in shock from the loss of Tori.  I'm ready to go back and throw myself into work.  One of the first things I'm going to do is organize my carts!!  (in year round school, since we move rooms every quarter, we have carts with all our stuff in them)  For the next 3 days, I'm going to finish getting my tax information ready, finish a book I started reading earlier this week, organize an upstairs bookshelf, organize our closet, and work on the extra bedroom that became the 'catch all room' when we moved William to the bonus room.  I realize that some of these tasks may carry over to the weekend...and it is fine with me since the kids will be here and they can help.  I am pleased with the progress I've made and feel that I am more in control and on top of the 'stuff' in my house.  People always ask me if I like teaching in year round schools...the answer is usually yes when I am tracked out, and no when I'm 6 weeks into a quarter and won't have a break for 3 weeks!  Still, it has ups and downs, and 'it is what it is.'  I'm going to go finish my book....

Weekends

I have come to the conclusion that weekends are hard for me.  For six months, we had wonderful weekends with Tori.  We enjoyed lazy mornings in bed on Saturdays and church on Sundays with her.  We had a lot of down time with her as well as trips to the lake, BugFest, visits with extended family, outside fun, and lots of other fun-filled times.  Now, I only have to get up on Saturdays if Bella wakes up and needs to go out.  I can stay up late reading at night and I actually sleep all night long.  I don't have to get up several times to console a crying baby and I don't have the middle of the night diaper changes.  I can do what I want, when I want.  And you know what?  I don't like it.  I would give anything to have to wake up in the middle of the night and at the crack of dawn on the weekends.  I would give anything to have to plan fun things for us to do as a family.  I often think back to what I didn't get to do with her.  I always wanted to take her to Marbles, but I never did.  I also wanted to take her to spend more time with my grandma, but I didn't.  I wanted her to meet my in-laws, but because of the distance, she didn't.  Sometimes, the pain of not being able to make memories with her is paralyzing.  I am trying hard to trust God instead of trying to understand why things happened the way they did.  That is so terribly hard for me to do.  I have a lot of whys and what ifs and I don't know what to do with all my questions.  I know it will take time, I just have difficulty being patient.  We were told by Tori's biological dad that we could call his phone anytime we wanted to check on her.  We called the week after she was taken from us just to check and see if she was doing ok and if he had questions about her schedule or anything.  After that phone call, we waited 3 weeks and then tried to call again just to talk with him and see how Christmas went and see how they were doing.  The number we called had a recording that said the number was no longer a working number.  Talk about being ticked off!  He does not have to talk with us.  He never had to tell anyone that he wanted to keep contact with us, but he did.  In fact, he was praised by the social workers and others involved when he told people how much he appreciated us and that he wanted us to remain a part of her life.  So what changed??  I always got the impression that he told people what he thought they wanted to hear, but I honestly thought that since he said it so many times, to so many people, that he meant it.  I am also upset because I have sent 2 emails to the social worker and she has yet to respond.  She called me the week that Tori was taken to check on me and ended up talking to Kristofer instead.  I waited until the week after Christmas to email her and touch base with her about some loose ends.  After not hearing anything back, I tried to email again and just asked her my questions.  Still, no response.  I sent another email yesterday and told her that if it was not appropriate for us to communicate, for her to let me know, and I would not contact her again...we'll see what happens.  I went from countless phone calls and emails to nothing.  It is not a good feeling.  I miss Tori so much and pray that God heals my pain.  I am moving forward.  I have had more good days than bad, but when I have those bad days/moments, I feel stuck in that pain.  I feel alone and punished.  I am so thankful for the time I had with Tori.  I loved being a mama, I just wish I was able to be her mama a whole lot longer...like forever. 

My Weight Watchers Update

I almost forgot to blog about my weight loss plan.  I did not weigh in on Monday this week.  I also did not really get back on Weight Watchers.  I did go to Trader Joes to stock up on fruits and veggies and started planning meals again.  I also started looking for new recipes to make.  My goal is to be back on the plan fully by next week.  I have always hated starting a 'diet' or new way of eating when I wasn't prepared.  However, when am I really prepared for a diet?  I know, people say not to call it a diet, but seriously folks, I call it as I see it.  I am going to write my health goals down so that I can hold myself accountable.  I'm sure I'll add to the list as I go along, but I want to start with a few attainable goals.

• Drink more water and less Diet Sunkist
• Take multi-vitamin every day
• Exercise at least 3 times a week
• Make one new healthy recipe each week
• Track what I eat
• Plan meals

I think one of my main hang ups is trying to plan for other people.  I think weight loss is a very personal thing and I have things that I like and need in order to meet my dieting needs, but Tofer and the kids have other needs.  For example, I would be fine with having a bowl of cereal for dinner or something simple like a baked potato, meatless spaghetti, etc...  Tofer, on the other hand, enjoys a main dish with sides.  So, I am planning for all of us, which can be challenging when I am limiting myself.  I have found ways around it like I'll do frozen pizzas for them and I'll eat a Weight Watchers frozen pizza.  I have also done things like make sure the sides I make are low point or free so that I can load up on those if I don't have a large amount of points left for the day.  I don't know if others have this problem, but after a week or two of menu planning, I get burned out and run out of ideas. 

One of my biggest problems???  Having things JUST FOR ME to help me be successful on my diet, but going to get them to only find that someone that is not on a diet has eaten them or finished them.  Tofer has this thing where he feels like if the kids want it, then they should be able to have it, but I don't agree with that, especially when it comes to me trying to eat healthy.  Any suggestions????

Day Something...Linen Closet, Coat/Hall Closet, Laundry Room Cabinets

Ok, so it took me several hours to do the closets and cabinets, but I was watching reality tv while I was working and took several breaks.  The end results are below.  I am pleased with how the closets turned out and even more pleased that I have found more space if I need it.  :) 



More results from my organization challenge!!

Today was a great day to stay indoors and organize.  I organized the cabinets under my sink as well as a catch-all cabinet in the kitchen.  I also organized the 'tupperware' drawers.  (although most of the pieces are Gladware)  I also started working a little on preparing to do the linen closet because that is going to be a monster!  I'm glad Tofer will be working tomorrow because our house is liable to be a MESS for several hours!!  Here are my results from today:

On another note, I am looking forward to going to our church's Wonderful Wednesday tonight.  There is a dinner and then a variety of studies.  The study I attend is Lectio Devina.  I enjoy this study because it is personal.  Here's a description from Wikipedia of what this study is all about:
In Christianity, Lectio Divina (Latin for divine reading) is a traditional Catholic practice of scriptural reading, meditation and prayer intended to promote communion with God and to increase the knowledge of God's Word. It does not treat Scripture as texts to be studied, but as the Living Word.
Traditionally Lectio Divina has 4 separate steps: read, meditate, pray and contemplate. First a passage of Scripture is read, then its meaning is reflected upon. This is followed by prayer and contemplation on the Word of God. 

Each week, we focus on the scripture for the upcoming Sunday's sermon.  I have found that I am more engaged when I am in worship because I have already read and contemplated the scripture that the minister is preaching about.  If you ever want to check it out, let me know.  :)

Clutter = 0 Missi = 1

Today was day 2 of my organizing challenge.  I tackled my bedside table and the computer desk.  We moved our computer downstairs a while back so that William could hook up his X-Box live.  I like having the computer downstairs, but we have a large desk upstairs that has a lot more room than the table we have in our room.  It has taken me a while to get used to the limited space that the table has, but after today, I think I have a system that will work.  I ended up getting a small table top filing box from The Container Store (a very dangerous place for an organization addict) and used it to help with organizing papers and other items.  I took before and after pictures and posted them below.

                                                                       

      

Tomorrow I am supposed to tackle the tupperware.  Ana and I actually worked on the tupperware drawers a while back, so I just need to re-visit it.  I'm also going to skip ahead and clean under the sink as well as a small cabinet that is in the kitchen which could be considered a catch all cabinet.

One of the hard things about the organization challenge is that I don't live by myself.  I want to gently tell my family that I have spent a lot of time and energy on the organization, and they need to keep it that way.  I know that this is probably normal, but when William and Ana are here, they leave a trail of stuff where ever they go!  Then there is a frantic dash on the last day they're here to get things where they go, and half of it is left out of place.  So....the next time they're here, we're going to have a family meeting about putting things in the right place so that we don't have to spend so much time cleaning.  (I know, wishful thinking, huh?)

I am actually enjoying organizing.  I think it is making Kristofer nervous.  :)  It is definitely keeping my mind busy and I have enjoyed looking at pinterest and other blogs to get organizing tips. 

I have to say I am dreading the linen closet.  Right now, the linen closet has towels, washcloths, and blankets.  That is also where we keep the medicine and cleaning stuff too.  The sheets and pillowcases are kept in under-bed totes in the top of the master closet.  (our master closet is HUGE with lots of storage space)  I'm not sure exactly what changes I'm going to make to the linen closet...guess it is a good thing I don't so that until Thursday.  :) 

Well...I'm going to get off the computer and on to my newest addiction...Dance Moms!!!! 

21 Day Organizing Challenge

I decided for the rest of my track out, I need to spend some time getting organized.  I am not necessarily a pack rat, but I definitely am one of those people that does not let go of things easily.  For example, I buy magazines and then only read part of them, so I keep them beside my bed or in the bathroom until I get the chance to read them, which then turns into a stack of magazines.  I was looking on Pinterest last night and found a 21 day organizing challenge and decided I am going to do this challenge...and I may double up some days since I am tracked out.  There are also some things that do not apply to me so I may do some substitution.   Wish me luck!!  Today, I tackled the kitchen junk drawer as well as a junk cabinet we have in our living room at the bottom of our shelving unit.  I took pics of the drawer but forgot to do the before of the cabinet.  See below for the junk drawer pics.  I copied and pasted the challenge below just in case some of you want to join me.  Happy organizing!!!!

21 DAY ORGANIZING CHALLENGE

• Day 1 - Junk Drawer
• Day 2 - Computer Desk
• Day 3 - Tupperware Cabinet
• Day 4 - Linen Closet
• Day 5 - Under kitchen sink
• Day 6 - Dresser Drawers
• Day 7 - The Pantry
• Day 8 - Coat Closet
• Day 9 - Toy organization
• Day 10 - Laundry Room
• Day 11 - The Freezer
• Day 12 - Spice Cabinet
• Day 13 - Medicine Cabinet
• Day 14 - Under bathroom sink
• Day 15 - Medicine/Vitamin Storage
• Day 16 - The Fridge
• Day 17 - The Mail
• Day 18 - Keepsakes
• Day 19 - Master Closet
• Day 20 - Photos
• Day 21 - You pick!

Kitchen Junk Drawer ~ Before

Kitchen Junk Drawer ~ After

God Exists!!

Today's sermon was about how we know that God exists.  This is not something I question.  I will say that sometimes I question if He listens to me, but that is only because a prayer wasn't answered in my way or something bad happened to someone I love.  I know He listens to me and He will answer prayers in His way, in His time.

My skids and I were the only ones that went to church this morning.  Tofer was at home with kidney stone pain.  After church, both the kids commented on how moving the sermon was and a few minutes ago, I looked on FaceBook and Ana's status update was how moved she was by the sermon and that God was there in the beginning and is still here.  It touched me that Ana would be bold for God and put something about God and her beliefs on her FaceBook status that her friends will read.  It also makes me proud that she actually listened and got something out of the sermon!!!  :) 

As we were eating dinner tonight, I asked my family where they see God's hand in creation.  Some of the responses were the ocean, trees, our planet, the creation of the human eye and the human being.  We discussed how when we had Tori, we saw God working in her life as she developed.  It was amazing to watch her process things and learn.  Only God could create something so complex and extraordinary. 

To be honest, when I saw the question "Does God Exist?" on the screen during the sermon, I thought that this would be a 'review' of what I already knew since I don't question His existence.  I was wrong.  This was a refreshing sermon, one that reminded me of some very important things about the God I have a relationship with and how He is on time, He is re-creating, He is active, and He exists!

Ramblings of a step-mama (or smama, as my skids call me)

As Tofer, William, Ana, and I were driving through Garner on our way home from dinner tonight, Kristofer asked me if I'd like to stop by and see my parents.  I called my mama to see if they were up for company and when I got off the phone, Ana asked me if my mama and I were close.  She said it as if it were not normal for a mother and daughter to be close.  I am not going to say much about Ana's relationship with her biological mother except that it is strained, and on many occasions, Ana has told me she wishes I was her mom.  I know this is more than likely a phase, but Ana's question tonight made me think of what an awesome opportunity I have to show Ana that mothers and daughters can be close, regardless of differences of opinions, arguments, etc...  It also was a reminder of how very blessed I am to have the relationship that I have with both my mama and my daddy.  I know that I am loved.  I know that I am valued.  I know that they are proud of me.  I know it wasn't always roses and rainbows, and I am sure some of you are shocked to read that I was a holy terror on more than one occasion while growing up.  But, my parents loved me through it all and it amazes me that they treat me today as if I didn't put them through heck while growing up.  I am so blessed to have been raised by my parents.  I am also sad that Ana is at the point in her life where she is finding it hard to get along with her mother.  I know that it is very common for girls and mothers to argue and butt heads, but Ana has been told that she has not turned out to be the daughter that her mother dreamed of having when she was looking forward to being a mother.  I know that frustration leads to angry words, and I am reminded that when I say something in anger to those that I love, they more than likely will internalize what I say.  I just want Ana to have the same assurance about her relationship with her mother, that I have about my relationship with my mama.  (and daddy)   

Today has been a hard day as far as thinking about Tori.  My mind has been flooded with memories, and I saw many things that reminded me of her as we were walking around Crabtree mall.  There was a kid that had the same green sippy cup that Tori used, we passed by Stride Rite and Gymboree, 2 places where my mama bought Tori an outfit for pictures and shoes for the summer and the winter, and when we stopped at Krispy Kreme for dessert, there was a little girl that had eyes like Tori.  I know that memories of her are going to pop up, but some days I am able to handle it better than others.  I kept reminding myself that I have had 5 great days, and today was my first 'blah' day...that is an accomplishment.

I'm thankful for the opportunity God has given me to be a maternal influence on my step-kids (skids), and pray that I make decisions that are pleasing to Him.  I also pray that when Ana looks back, she sees that I tried my very best to have a healthy and strong relationship with her.  I also pray that Ana's mother can let go of her distaste for Ana's father and me and be the mother that Ana needs her to be.  And last but not least, I pray that one day, I can be a mama again. 

2 words with a lot of power

Tofer and I argue sometimes...I know, you are all shocked!!  Sometimes there is a very valid reason, but most of the time, I think it is because we both want our own way.  Earlier today, Kristofer wanted his way about something (I'll let you figure it out...he is a man, what do they always want??) and I was not agreeing with his having his way at the moment.  So, some pouting began and I received the cold shoulder.  I went about my business and he went on and he started taking Christmas lights down outside.  We had dinner, cleaned up, and he got ready to go get Ana from a birthday party.  As he was walking out, I told him I did not mean to upset him and that I just needed to take care of other things earlier instead of doing what he wanted to do.  He kind of apologized for pouting and being cold, but it wasn't a heartfelt apology...it was one of those, "I better apologize to Missi or I won't get my way for a while" apology.  He gave me a kiss, left to go get Ana, and I started settling down to write my blog.  (I didn't have anything to blog about until all this happened)  About 5 minutes later, my phone rang and it was Tofer.  He said he was really sorry about earlier and that I deserved a more sincere apology and that he was truly sorry.  Seriously, what he did was not a big deal, he pouted and acted cold, and as far as I was concerned, it was done.  However, he felt I deserved better and he said the 2 words that have a great amount of power...I guess he might get his way after all.  ;)

Random things about me

• I believe that an animal's name must start with the first letter of the type of animal it is.  For example, Bella is a Bully Boxer.  I think Gertrude or Gabe are good names for goats.  A frog would need to be Fred or Francine. 
• I cannot sleep with any part of my body hanging off the bed.  If my hand hangs over the mattress, I have to re-situate.  (is that a word?)
• I have to put lotion on my hands after I wash them.  I have to take my rings off to put lotion on my hands.
• I don't like to speak in front of adults.  I can sing in front of an entire church full of people, but don't ask me to talk.  However, speaking in front of kids is not an issue.
• I rarely order something off of the menu without altering it or asking for ranch on the side.  This drives Kristofer crazy!!
• I flew for the first time in December 2001. 
• I don't like feet.  I like my feet, but don't want to touch or look at anyone elses'.  (and I used to work for a podiatrist!)
• I like fresh onions, but not cooked onions.  I like cooked mushrooms, but not fresh mushrooms.
• It drives me crazy if I send an email with a grammatical or spelling error. 
• I was not nervous on my wedding day.  I made my mama very nervous drinking my diet Sunkist when I was sitting in my wedding dress.  :)
• It drives me crazy to hear crunching.
• As strong and outspoken as I appear to be, my feelings get hurt and I cry easily.
• I have a sharp tongue.  This is not something I am proud of.  I'm not one of those people who look back and say, "I wish I could have thought of that to say", I usually say it and then have to apologize. 

A month ago tomorrow

I told myself when I began this blog that I would not post about Tori every day, but today she has been on my mind and heart, and I wanted to post about her.  One month ago tomorrow was the last time I held Tori in my arms.  As we were waiting for the social worker to come and pick her up, I carried her outside and we looked at the moon together.  (she loved saying moon)  I told her that every time I saw the moon I would think of her and that if she missed me, all she had to do was look at the moon and know that I was looking at it thinking of her.  (I know she didn't comprehend it, but I knew what I was saying to her)  I told someone that I thought I might have cursed myself with the whole moon thing because I can't escape the moon.  It is a constant reminder of Tori...and the fact that she is no longer with me.  But, it also is a comfort.  When I look in the sky, I think of her and all the great memories we shared.  Today, I realized that the moon is pretty much in the same place it was on the night she left (which makes sense since it has been a month).  Today, when I took Bella outside, I looked up, and the moon was there.  For the past 2 days, the moon has been visible during the day.  (it might have also been prior, but I noticed it yesterday and today)  For some reason, I am comforted.  I am somewhat at peace.  I still miss her and I pray that a miracle will bring her back to me, but for today...I am ok.  It has almost been a month.  I've made a little bit of progress, and for that, I am thankful.  Please pray for my little ladybug.  Pray that she is safe, happy, and that she feels loved.